Friday, March 4, 2022

If you want to touch the future, touch a life. So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. I wished I had listened more The real monsters under the bed Recording Don’t live like you are dying I just need to live Finding a way Vindication Everyone accused of a crime craves vindication. Vindication is good, but it can only come after something bad, like being accused of something you didn't do. I know they hit your soul and mind What if we breath in, just for a while? There might be light and hope to find Words are meaningless "Let us commit to never be indifferent to the suffering of others, and never forget what happened or let it be forgotten by others. Let us pledge to always be vigilant and uphold human rights and dignity for all." — António Guterres in commemoration message. Saturday, March 5, 2022 4:48:30 PM It is getting colder gray overcast and another storm on the way. Looking at the social media and recalling the early days It seems a little hollow now without those I worked so closely with ah It has been a different kind of day reflective J said one time that I was feared and I wonder if this is why I ran into so many opponents. I have never felt the way others see me I think of those who gossip and attack and rumor monger and I think it is their fear not fear created by any outsider. I think that perhaps they are in so many ways impotent so it stems from their inability to stand up. Maybe maybe not but it is a thought nefarious creatures hiding behind the robe of others. Ah Anyway life is far to short to give it a lot of energy Like the sound and Oh boy I collected up some of the crazy posting memes and showed my friends I asked if they received any but most of them don`t So it says a lot about source I am not always quiet on issues these days but I am not mean and sigh I understand why for the most part people do what they do. I was shopping at this big food chain when I lived in the city And this elderly frail looking man was standing outside the store and the store manager was next too him. Police cars pulled up and the store manager went over to talk to them and shortly after they left. A cab pulled up and the frail man got in and left. I asked the store manager what transpired and he explained The frail man was on a fixed income caring for an adult disabled son and had fallen between the cracks. He lived in community about 15-20 minutes away. And when he ran out of food he would walk into the city and steal food to take back. He didn`t steal from the small local grocer The manager said someone in the store had seen this and called police on their cell before he could address it. He decided that he would not charge the man it was an interesting experience and the kindness of the manager. Who would take care of the disabled son if the frail elder was jailed. People don`t fall between the cracks the systems drops them there .. Bri had his kids removed and his wife died tragic and he would use others to fight his perceived adversaries by manipulation. I watched him for a while and we became acquaintances He collected things and was a bit of a conspiracy theorist I would sit on the park bench and converse with him One day I asked why and that he should refocus his energy into the areas, he was good at. Over time, he changed not because of anything I did but because he wanted and all he needed was the tools. It was a learning experience and later we became friends. He went on to help others so He was homeless when I first met him and over time was able to secure a place. I would sometimes visit tragic his son died while in foster care. You meet people that I have no words but they become a part of you and I don`t want to forget because it matters. Not to the world or anyone but to me to them it all mattered Love this is what love looks like for me humanity Anyway I understand the fear but I was never afraid A friend once said it was so painful to watch at times as but another time And Saturday, March 5, 2022 12:33:41 PM I used to have people I would connect with in places but those are of a past. Ah thoughts I slept well for once so deep so sound but something woke me early sounded like a knock but no one was there. I went to bed at a decent hour for once. I locked the doors because no one is around and I was thinking about Russia and Ukraine and all the people as I lay in bed early this morning. Outraged that the international community has failed miserably to prevent the suffering and the fear dictates. I`d rather die fighting an enemy and blowing up the whole damn planet than kneel before a corrupt leader so good thing I am just a human sigh I would not make a good god because instinct would prevail I think Of course, it is just whimsical thinking I suppose it is that I know how I have responded to events in the past and to allow any of this I dunno. I see old men with old ideas and brutal tactics and it enrages me. The feelings of being powerless is not pretty and it is always the same I once said in a forum regarding various policies regarding cops not one has prevented a crime always cleaning up after the fact. I refuse to get a ploice check done for many reasons one a money grab and the others was tracking and creating a data base. Like collecting DNA starting with criminals and working it`s way up sigh If only people could get their headspaces right maybe humanity would exist but I really think that the universe must take pity on the reckless and sometimes I made the right choices at that time but sometimes I still question a lot I have always focused on the top because and they create the misery for people. And people are so programmed to look across or look down or blame to absolve from owning or taking the responsibility I worked for these two bosses, they were ok, and I never had an issue to owning my mistakes. One time I made a rather significant one at work and found out another co-worker was being blamed I told them it was me not him. The one spoke up and said no you are just trying to stick up for him. I argued and said it was my mistake. Later after the shift, the older one sat down and we had a long conversation I learned a lot. Sometimes we place people on a pedestal or above us and forget. We are all human and prone to errors and It`s ok to say I don’t know or I made a mistake human error is normal and perhaps it leaves us feeling vulnerable exposed and fear of failing the expectations we place on others or ourselves. Lots to reflect on for sure We are at war I was thinking about all this today from the covid to economics to a hostile takeover. Wondering what Putin has done behind the scenes to piss off the global players - that we the general public don`t know. There is so much more The crow dropped by I heard his call and it makes me feel happy and hopeful It is only a wild free bird but I feel a connection and the way he interacts with me is confirmation. He didn’t forget The beautiful side of life I thought I felt something today reminded me of the music days long past Just another distant memory imagination is a funny thing A happier but bittersweet period a balance I suppose In the mind, there is no time it is just seamless I travelled the world without leaving 6:00:31 PM Friday, March 4, 2022 The crows all dropped by so awesome that he has his family intact They did not stay long but Mr. Scruffy hung around a little longer. It is interesting how bonds form with animals, nature and people it just flows and yeah. I went out with Henry today but he is so different distant and I asked if he is okay. I sense he is not and I ask why he no longer comes over to visit and assure him that the belligerent roomie is absent. But he was just so quiet and I asked if he is okay with me and in so many ways he reminds me of my own father/grandfather they had some of the same traits. Anyway I just sensed a deep something wrong and I did manage to make him laugh once. Sigh I dunno but for some odd reason I feel hurt and maybe because he reminds me so much of With covid there is so many fractures in the community and some relationships will never be healed. The nurse was telling me today the mindset of some of the males over various issues. It is not funny for those that are deeply impacted because someone found it amusing to spread false information and create chaos. Some people will believe almost anything and that’s just who they are. The community today is just different but there are many issues that are escalating into problems. Issues can be worked out but problems run much deeper and I feel it all anyway, it is sad The sunset is pretty tonight, it is after six, and still light, the days are getting longer. I am still here ironic and there is such an empty hollow feeling in the house tonight and it seems so odd but at least it is not creepy. It is 7 pm; I wonder why I sometimes get outraged over the mistreatment of others. I think that people impacted are numb or that flight response has kicked in and it freezes them. I want people to fight back and stand up for their rights and I realize sometimes that I just have to let it go. And it means the system once more wins another I was there once so I know and no one helped me in the beginning I remember the day I said no one would ever make me feel this way, Kathy was still alive, she just relocated to Canada, and she was such an awesome woman. She said I know what I would do and that was the beginning of a long friendship. She has passed away misdiagnosed by our healthcare system her family sued the province but it doesn`t change anything. It happened to several activists so I started tracking but Ah life only the memories remain I scared a director once I remember now It was late on a Friday and I went to see him regarding the treatment of the poverty class. And he was arrogant, smug we went back and forth. I got up to leave offered a handshake looked him in the eyes and refused to release his hand. I said to him what would it take to commit a federal offence and be entitled to free services. Working poor were refused treatments and some were losing their kids because of it being deemed likely to neglect He must have had the whole weekend to reflect on our meeting because things changed slowly but it was a start He was the regional director of public health units and involved with Corrections Canada. The education board started a committee and there was teachers for kids funds to tap into to all this because so A lot of good work to benefit those in need and as much as I hate the charity model is better than nothing. And no one ever completely works in isolation or reaches a goal alone so ego check. Because exhale If not for the mentoring or kindness of others and the other side who knows Today the pain is minimal but the heart aches for the things I can`t do and I do hate I hate the way people are beat down so yeah I just realized this as I sit and stare out across the bay as darkness settles in. I will always feel the way I do Gratitude and love sigh I suppose akin to life is movement propelled by hope and no one knows hmm 1:48:30 PM Friday, March 4, 2022 The nurse came so that went ok she thinks it may be a pinched nerve or muscle from the breathing exercises so maybe. Time will tell it sure hurts like hell. The crow was here several times today and earlier he was playing in the snow on the rooftop. He is so amazing and the nurse said you trust him more than you do people. It made me laugh I cannot believe how happy he makes me and it is no different from a cat or a dog those bonds form. I was so concerned during his absence for his safety and return. However, I could always sense his presence and quantum entanglement comes to mind. I am feeling slightly stressed because of the one roommate ugh and I haven’t heard from him and the rent is not paid. It`s not his fault it is the system so I try not too stress too much but he needs to get on it. I know sometimes if stress is too high it shuts people down and they can`t function. So Today the sun is so warm and patches of blue sky show through there is bad weather on the way. And I wonder about people sometimes sigh and I want to believe and I want to trust but there are times that instinct or intuitive feeling kicks in and I don`t. I trusted a person I worked for I thought she was nice and that fairness bias ugh. Jack kept telling be careful she is not the person you think she is. I doubted but found out he was correct and I was so hurt the way I was attacked at a vulnerable point in my life. I composed myself, did not allow her to see it, and moved on. The person I was advocating for bailed and he was ok but I wasn`t go figure. All in one day and it was the same day I found out mom had cancer and the mayor wanted me out of the city. I killed all emotions and took it all to task so .. organizing Anyway Things to do and places to be Friday, March 4, 2022 3:16:49 AM Oh I did it again still awake and the nurse is supposed to be here in the morning, oh boy Wednesday, March 2, 2022 5:09:17 PM I was not feeling so great last night and went to bed but did not sleep well. The pain and everything else The one room mate has run into financial issues and the others and I don`t have the resources to buffer oh well rather depressing If one falls, we all do and I can cover some extra but not enough anyway. It is what it is I was feeling rather down and came into the living room and the crow appeared after all these months. We were so happy to see each other he survived and the timing could not be better. He flew around me and above and his partner was with him still timid. It has been around 5 months since I saw him and he has been on my mind the last while I wrote about it. And today he showed up I am so happy almost tears such an emotional reunion. The nurse was just arriving as he was waiting for his food. I went out to put some in his dish. The nurse got so emotional and tears welled up in her eyes I told her the story of how the crow came into my life at a period where the death of close friends and a health flare up. It was such a low point and the recent flare up and pain that has occurred. And she told me the story of her father and all the struggles she is dealing with at the moment. So one of those deep connections So in spite of these recent issues the universe has sent a messenger To hell with a confirmation bias Anyway I hope the pain passes it is making life difficult and yeah Today is overcast cold and snowing I am so happy and I learned a lot last year just by observing the crow`s behaviour in the natural environment. It made me look closer at myself on so many levels. I dunno about those on my fb allies or adversaries.. Intuition and instinct says caution. Sigh Tuesday, March 1, 2022 3:39:59 AM Listening to this cool music and the way he plays it reminds me of my dad Every night after dinner he would play The simpler times in life as I listen The one roommate returned and his lady friend is with him. It is funny how the energy shifts when other people are present or absent I think about the global conflict, all the recent events, and just coming out of covid and the empty shelves in the grocery store. I am turtling on the things ahead of me The singer has such an awesome timbre to his voice I recall my dad’s laughter so many good memories Resilience I suppose surfaces I wonder about the mind games some play sigh specially on social media and some no doubt have some mental health issues. We all have some quirks for sure no one is perfect. I recall the day I was so sick and the hospital refused to treat me and I was fighting for my life. I sat outside on the hospital steps in the sun that day. I questioned my own sanity the first time ever and thought if this is the way it is than it`s done. And this woman walked by and than came back and said oh my god it`s you. She sat beside me and I told her what was happening and told her maybe I have just lost it. She jumped up, gave me a big hug, and said no you are one of the most grounded people I know. I got on a bus ended up at a hospital in the city and the doctor said how did you mange this.. and sheer determination I was kept in for several days until the potassium levels were up and the infection treated. He said my heart could have stopped it was so critically low. That whole horrible experience taught me a lot and one was never to question or doubt myself like that again. I had a choice to stay there and die or do something and die trying and yet it is dubbed health care sigh. He was such a good doctor and asked what are they were doing in that city. Now I look back and think the trauma it created. It changed me for sure and today I sit here writing and teaching others and educating them with the tools to navigate and circumvent the politics of the systems. A local recently contacted me for the names of the private nurses I have because her father was released without any home care support, They think it was reprisal for being so outspoken over the mandates with covid. I offered to help if they wanted to escalate it and they only want to have the supports so connecting them. These nurses lost their employment due to the covid mandates so every little bit helps. I look at all the things in life I experienced and turned it around to help others with the hope it would minimize or prevent I said to a friend last night as we talked on the phone that with all the recent deaths I always thought it would be me before them. I was told six months but those are behind me for now Life has other plans I suppose but I have not changed my mind if the quality becomes so eroded. Intelligence is in part having the ability to adapt and each transitional phase a little more of that bleeds out I still plan but not far into the future living in the moments and planning the days just flow Maybe I will be able to have a big outdoor garden if not growing in doors with suffice. I am not sleeping again today and it used to be so normal to be awake late at night creating music working online with the various social justice groups Now I wonder how I managed to do it all and never feel the way I feel now. I had so much energy. Pre-covid I was attending the courts with people now it is all done with the virtual tools. On the news there was a case of two parents charged with a case of child sexual abuse, yikes so insane The damage to the child robbed in their innocence kids are such gifts and yeah. I try not to think too much on the past because Ah poetic retribution is a thought never far from my mind as death comes for all and no one escapes I use retribution because it`s not justice and so I don`t use justice Even our legal systems that exact retribution there is no happiness in any of it And there is no karma I think of some adversaries long gone now and I felt nothing because the of the misery and suffering they caused others .. Always aware of that confirmation bias and looking for cause and effect Ah the complexities of it all and the simplicity I have found in nature I see more awareness by others so I thing of all the manifestos we wrote on class/race and economic stratification and the loss of autonomy border lockdowns, loss of anonymity. I have gotten lax with my time management I made it through another day I think of comfort and the security of but I can’t miss what I never had there is no heaven or hell only the absence of light Monday, February 28, 2022 7:00:50 PM Oh boy I did not sleep all that great but no dreams. I said i was going to leave thing alone and not mess it up any further.. But this evening I think I did ugh I hate computers really sigh It was messed but not like this and I think I made it worse. So the dreaded redo Hmm and I have been avoiding the hospital calls I am just so tired of all the tests from the previous past and they keep calling. I cancelled the last time using covid and the weather as an excuse. Now the messages are a little stern. I turtle and now they are calling the contact list. It is all such a process and maybe past trauma with deviant care providers has left me a little feeling a reluctant. Hmm Aside from all this and the emotions it invoked the day has not been too bad and the pain is manageable tonight. So Like the computer if all is functions leave it be I went out into the village to pick up some food I was horrified because the shelves are bare. So many food items are just not there the prices are crazy and even some of the food racks have been removed. Yikes, this is not a good indicator. The person who took me into the village was telling me about other issues they are having getting things in stock. So Normal I guess none of it will ever be normal if it was I dunno All I know is that I should have went out sooner before things ran out and I should have simply left the settings and drivers and all of it alone sigh Live and learn It was nice seeing the sun today and getting out hopefully will help me sleep better tonight. The sun was so warm and everything is once again melting 7:32:09 PM Sunday, February 27, 2022 I found this cool site and trying to stay off fb as was suggested. I guess there is so much going on in cyberspace and various platforms Last’s night Dream So last night I saw a tall slender black male standing against a grey building in an alleyway Than one about a name a bridge, water and stuff, and the cyber stuff his name mike strut so weird dreams The other one was the longest I cannot recall the first part now but it was this big house beautiful with natural dark stained wood and a vast staircase and this woman was angry and hit her partner over the head with a metal object causing severe damage. I tried to get him help but I was in that observer mode in the dream so they were not aware of my presence. It`s akin to being ghost like ah for lack of a better way to explain it. The woman was very polished but so bad inside And than it flipped and I was on a sidewalk and this child had fallen and no one stopped to help. Than it flipped, again I was back in this house but this time in the living room with floor to ceiling glass windows. And I saw this purple bolt cloud jump akin to lightening and it increased in intensity. Electrical The woman came over and became alarmed by what she was seeing and back outside again. In the mean time, her partner was getting medical treatment for the head injury. The purple intense pulsing light got brighter and bigger and than this huge cloud appeared. I looked, as two separate scenes were unfolding. The sidewalk where the child had fallen, a train was coming, and people were running and than this huge flash. It was all gone within seconds. And than I was back to where all the older shops were and in one building a man with a tag was working. I went inside and he was varnishing the floor and getting it ready to shelter people. Than I woke up there was no emotion except for the concern for the man The rest just unfolded as I watched. I wonder about these types of dreams sometimes Sunday, February 27, 2022 6:33:21 PM My sleep was not so great but I woke up I just talked to a friend/quais family from the city about the computer issues It was a good conversation and than I told him about the issues I said I was behaving not really doing or saying any thing related to political activism. He laughed and said are you sure, I said yes, and he asked if I was in chat or texting and there was where the issue was. He was thinking I may have pissed someone off and I said I don`t think so at least I hope not but ah Sigh If I can`t fix it he will help but it will take awhile He told me all it takes is the chat and they can have control over the computer yikes. Oh well I will throw it in the river …. Beg for a new one and a new network I have that stubborn streak .. I like to think I don’t but I now I do sigh so I work on it. Not with the politicians or the legal system and maybe that it why they concede sometimes hmm like the one who said you want me to toss you a bone and I said only if the meat is on it… my mouth sometimes anyway Talking with him today made me feel better and they know I mess up. I guess they even defended me against an ex family member way back and I am just finding out now. So this hearted me Ah It is like when people tell me things or I get upset over someone’s actions I handle it because dignity and loyalty is so rare. I know I have been there so often and it is not a pretty feeling. People need graceful way out thinking of the recent conflict with Russia. It makes me wonder about what we don`t know. There is no crime in compromises Same with making promises I don’t unless I know for sure I can keep it. all too often people makes promises but never follow through and of course the expectations sigh I have been so off in things my eating my sleep When I sleep the dreams are horrible more like nightmares but they are not because they are those vivid ones. Kidding to dream ah Oh well it was good to get thing done and spend time talking I was going to write a lot more but and the other days I just didn`t The seeds I planted for the garden are all coming up and I am excited to see how well they are growing. The herbs are doing well even the dill Maybe I will write more later … I don`t feel like cooking but getting hungry and no fast food items not even noodles Oh well Friday, February 25, 2022 2:50:14 PM It was so late before I went to bed and awhile before I slept overthinking At least I was able to fix my errors not all but the important ones An there is an intruder on the network or intrusive shit but ah I will get around to it too Independence has always been so critical for me to be free from constraints be it in my life or in work or any aspect that I consider crucial. Being told to without merit creates opposition Anyway it is why I think that I want to be able to create – from my own food my own code my own music take pictures of the spaces I occupy and the people I meet and on and on … I have seen regardless of what it is in life or by whom dependence is created by groups by political structures to just about every aspect of our lives but it is too high of a cost the demand is not worth it. Because it can be kicked out, snatched violently from under someone within mere seconds with little regard of the irreparable harm or impact From the social safety nets to a person to political policy It is not easy in today’s world to avoid it all and structuring my life around the gazillion obstacles I realize before falling asleep as much as that drive exists I can never know it all or action most of what the ideal image is that I hold. I do the best I can with the tools I have and knowledge in my head Sigh I had the worst dreams when I was asleep the one the night before was one I’ve had several times in the past driving across this bridge with high water on both sides. Going somewhere and it involved three brothers one was rather reclusive but was the powerhouse behind it… and this time it was a name mike strut so weird but yet so vivid he was the bad ass behind whatever it was so maybe at some point I may look it up taking care to be aware of the confirmation bias And the recent one was so horrible this one I’ve had many times sometimes my close friends will call me to say they had the same mom used too sigh It is this place and it is rather symbolic because it is like a place but a house at the same time and there is this top-level room I make sure people don’t enter or open that door and that the entity that is inside cannot escape that room/space area And it has others and in the dream it entered into the middle room as it came down and the chaos and devastation was so horrible It is so primal something on such a deep level no words to describe the emotions it invokes pure evil and these words are not even suitable really sigh. I had to put it back into that room and close the door and warn others and it touches the core of my essence The feeling of dread so many emotions no fear just a deep concern for others and knowing what it will do. Than I woke up when the nurse arrived to pull me out of my deep sleep I stumble out of bed my brain and body disconnected from the abrupt awakening. She was so full of energy and I couldn`t process it all and she said oh I like your hair you look so different with it down. She was here early because of the raging blizzard outside today I peek out the bathroom window as I wash my face and wow. So much snow and visibility is bad Pj`s and messy bed head and she likes my hair it made me laugh as I struggle to wake up. She checked the vitals and today was better We chatted briefly and she says we should have been doctors and laugh because She is coming back tomorrow just because of the recent flare-up so this week has been occupied and at least I woke up … somedays I wonder But yeah I still say prayers before I sleep a traditional pattern instilled as a child Funny the things we value from pillows to prayers but no home Comfort I suppose Ah life I returned the phone calls, people looking for some info and help and it pays the bills so .. Every little bit helps and that dependence will always exist Thursday, February 24, 2022 12:28:56 AM I guess I skipped writing for Wednesday I overslept and sent the nursing staff into a panic normally I leave my door unlocked when I know they are coming. I just thought with the freezing rain no one would be able to travel and locked the door before sleeping. Ouch I was embarrassed by the chaos I created yikes anyway The house has been creepy and when the one roommate came back later we noticed someone had been in his area so it another reason I have been locking it. Today was not so great I had a hard time waking up and focusing As the later afternoon approached, I felt a little better I dunno But the pain is gone so this is good and listening to music I used to dance too yia another lifetime. I think this is why sometimes I just feel so trapped and frustrated at times. Oh well tomorrow will be better Really I said today to the social worker even the body heals or we die and that’s it. Only two outcomes she tells me she has never met anyone like me and we both laugh yikes I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. She was going to donate a book to me of positive affirmations but decided I didn’t need it. Oh boy Family dynamics can be so complicated There is no animosity just that they no longer exist to me. Friends along the way became family and helped to fill the void kind of sort of sigh I purge it here so that long after I am gone these words will remain a life of their own waiting to be read. An essence of sorts