remember the 5th of November

Wednesday, February 22, 2023 Well I am still here and the body I reside in is slowly making a recovery My mind is a little numb from all the medications, fever and lack of sleep I am listening to this music mix and reminds of a time when I felt normal and the power went out and the night sky was so clear and the stars so bright one of those amazing moments where I just wrapped myself up in that moment and A friend asked for help with a lady who was in a fire and today we heard back and she has a place and some money not a lot but some was raised to help her and we helped another person so the things I never recorded because But now I write about some not because of helping but because they are such amazing people that touched my life making me see life in a different way. I was thinking that maybe this virus would deposit the missing genetic material and yeah-wishful thoughts of course but hope is a funny thing The nurse was here today and we talked and one of the locals called to see how I was and if I needed anything I sometimes wonder why I never got into a relationship but I was always so busy and travelling and fighting the political powers Some think I don`t know but I do Sunday, February 19, 2023 Ah happiness I wish there was more of it in my life Even the mind cannot supersede the effects of this I was going to write so much but I just got too tired I think of all the things that are taught to us and passed down most of it I have changed my mind on. Anyway This cold virus has exacerbated the flare-up and a decline in my health ugh It`s weird because everything seems so heightened since being this ill from my sense of smell to taste to visual and the flood of chemicals released in my body and with it the memories so weird. Funny how a war rages inside our bodies on a micro level and so often people are blissfully unaware. During the healthcare phone, consult on Friday the one provider said I was a very strong lady and it made me laugh. The roommates are still sick but recovering and covid has been on the increase here so many people medevaced out. I think it was last week a friend called and asked what I was doing and I said planning a funeral no filter yikes. But I was making arrangements I said I was sorry because I was so blunt she is such a sensitive person and it scares people. I sound ok I look ok and yet inside a war rages and it`s killing me Ah it`s called life so lower you’re expectations A friend once said I was so lucky to have the life I was living And the other one said people would pay a lot to do what came natural for me and yet to me I was living what I thought was just normal Now I sit here lost in thought for a moment Ah angst Saturday, February 18, 2023 10:06:30 AM Well it has been a difficult time for sure and yeah I have scaled back and not much energy left over for anything more than mostly a drive to exist. Even this is waning because and so many mixed emotions. Today my body was releasing copious amounts of chemicals from various areas. Rather odd really and the memories that it triggered Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to be so finely in tune or aware of my body. Normal just simply normal The healthcare team has been so supportive and asked to a part of the process. Yesterday I told them I had so many dreams growing old was one of them and now this will never happen. I suppose i am blessed to have had the foresight to pack so much living in such a short time span all the experiences good bad and learning I don`t know what is worse the physical pain or the emotional that we experience in life. My thoughts have changed so much Thursday, February 9, 2023 12:13:02 AM Been sick and yeah Thinking about balance and moderation No one was ever a waste of time Accept personal responsibility When I am going through a really rough patch the crow appears or when I think about him during those vulnerable moments I look outside and he makes a brief appearance overhead. It is cool to see him flying overhead and than gone I always find it fascinating how we connect and bond with animals and they bond with us. I wonder where the rest of the crow family is This is the first year that the crow has appeared because normally they leave in the late fall and only return in the spring. It was so nice to see the blue sky and sun today I sat outside soaking it all in the heat from the sun and snow on the ground the contrast Everyone in the house is sick and it reminds me of a morgue cold dark and quiet. Morbid maybe but it just has that feel The nurse was telling me that the hospital is in lockdown again some because of covid and the flu bug so and many have stopped masking There is no medications left on any of the shelves here I still wonder what`s really going on Friday, February 3, 2023 8:54:00 PM I haven’t had a lot of time or energy to be online here Anyway I did a costing online to compare food prices and it`s insane prices have tripled. And the nurse who stops by said it cost her 600 for food for two kids and her husband. The fuel prices sigh I am angry tonight and I dunno why Maybe it is trying to process the week and the dreams, not sleeping, health issues, and overthinking all the past stuff. The phone calls from people I have not spoken to in some time asking about the journals and I tell them the book is not finished maybe they wonder what it is I have written. Last night the dream it`s like they all flow together they are different this time names and places and Lost in thought for a moment Maybe those people really believe they are helping to make the world better Before the nurse left yesterday she paused by the door and said things are not really getting any better are they I suppose one can argue that we are just more aware but this too would be a fallacy Wednesday, February 1, 2023 11:29:50 PM Such weird dreams lately The new medication is making me so sick so I stopped taking it I think it`s that shred of hope and I ought to know better most meds are not meant to cure. I try to keep myself hopeful and positive but yia last night I was ready to check out. The one roommate came up today to talk to me last I was abrupt with him I didn`t mean to be. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed mostly because of my health and it is what it is. Yesterday after everyone left I sat looking out over the water lost in thought. And I suppose if I feared anything, it would be to live forever because I simply would not want to. Funny I still sleep with a light on at night and yet I have walked down a lot of dark streets and roads at night alone unafraid. The landlord was by today and I sat on the stairs as he talked he is really nice. We talked about how hard it is in this village. The polish people or any small community like this is difficult as a stranger they are not very accepting. He was telling me the issues he faced trying to build and fix up properties here. The mindset passed down through the generations sigh ah humans sometimes I wish it was a race I was not a part of ugh funny I still have the nurse visits and twice doctors did house calls but nothing has changed for me sometimes I feel like a lab rat. Withdrew from everything I just don`t have a lot of energy or patience so. Even being online I tell people that come by about my adventures and my online experiences with hackers and the sound stuff and the networks and work Each person hears a different part it`s funny how we get to know people and share what you think they need to know. Political leaders are cowards and yet they attract so many followers like bullies sometimes it`s all so f up sometimes I question myself and doubts creep in. I remind myself of the good things I have done for others to affect change trying to overcompensate I suppose and acts of kindness always makes me feel like crying weird. I think maybe because it is so rare Death and tragedy tourists abound people who are soulless looking into the world of those that suffer merely because they are incapable to feeling. Tonight thoughts are cynical and judgmental because of how I am feeling Listening to this cool mix and it resonates Activism no soldiers going off to fight for corrupt leaders Or or or I It is snowing again it looks so pretty I was hoping for clear skies a chance to see the asteroid but so much cloud cover this winter. Tuesday, January 31, 2023 Another day has passed time seems to be Thursday, January 26, 2023 12:54 PM Yesterday was such a pivotal moment, the incredible sadness has settled in deep, and even today, it lingers. I have so many emotions to sort through and yet I hesitate to discuss the issues with anyone. Funny on another topic I keep seeing the numbers 1111 showing up everywhere. The last time I had this was a very long time ago. Even the game I was playing online showed 11;11 I suppose I could dismiss it as nothing more than a confirmation bias or toss aside the logic and listen to intuition Sometimes it`s like a collective sadness settles inside and nestles into what I am already feeling. I often wonder the why of things but it doesn’t change anything so what’s the point. Even the solutions no longer have the monumental impact they once had. Maybe I will feel better at some point I don`t know I think of the doctor’s words we will never see each other again And a friend telling me she is using hardcore drugs and is not doing well and I know that on averages we are conditioned too keep an emotional distance or not to care or or and boundaries are good. But I never want to reach that place of not feeling or caring because I think of the drunk man who passed out wet himself on the bench outside the church adjacent to the mall. The temperatures were so cold he may have never woke up and yeah. Yesterday was such a bad day, I sat down on a stepstool in the middle of the store isle because, and this husband and wife asked if I was ok. She started telling me about all the health issues her husband is dealing with. And he came over to talk to me about it and how he doesn’t understand with all that’s happened. From environmental to covid and I just listened. And the strange phone call request from a man I advocated for a few years ago. And I get it I sometimes wonder with changes and how it creeps in slowly unnoticed until it is brought to our attention. Like losing sight of the beauty and only seeing the dismal dark side of humanity. There is so much snow today Tuesday, January 24, 2023 1:16:43 AM It has been a rather crazy month with everything Today I have just felt off and I just knew that something was anyway it is late and I have not been writing anything anywhere. Catching up on returning phone calls The medication I was getting has been put on hold so I have to deal with this issue. A senior called having difficulties with the system and a man called because he was having issues. Sometimes I get annoyed not at the people requesting the assistance but those hired to provide a service. I have a little more understanding and patience now. I used to not really consider them human service providers for lack of another word. But they too have issues dehumanizing someone is not right and now I understand this Sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with me sigh I feel disconnected tonight from a lot of things and ah one of those moments I suppose and not taking time to process I had one of those strange dreams a dream within a dream and the awareness and than the astral floating thing that is so weird. Anyway abstract wandering thoughts and emotions in there somewhere I used to wonder about people with terminal illnesses and the how But you just live Friday, January 20, 2023 2:59:22 PM The time is passing by way too fast and I never seem to have enough time. Today was my second assessment with the doctor and he was like a breath of fresh air. One of those incredible people and I instantly felt comfortable which usually takes time for me. He understands kind and compassionate Only a transplant will help now and even that has risks and a long wait list so And though I believe that stem cells and other medical advancements could be worth exploring this takes time and money and we both agreed that I would run out of time But the universe will always do what it has done to be or not it takes me on all these side trips in life. In the meantime I am happy just unhappy with the body`s health so funny But not and yet I still laugh I am happy to be here in this place and I am happy with the people around me and happy with some of the things I can still do and the beauty of the natural world around me as I look outside There are some things that make me feel sad because but I try not to dwell in these areas because I cannot change it so and I refuse to accept it so I have been very proactive in sharing ideas and my experiences and the system with others and The one woman thanked me for empowering her and believing in her and it has helped her to do the same for others and I think what matters to me is giving people the confidence and knowledge so they can do for themselves. And love the palliative care social worker said I can tell you really love people sigh and maybe yes and maybe not .. I think about her words as I write she said it was my actions hmm. I wonder why I find it difficult to be like others and show emotion I was never really hurt by anyone the only trauma was from the system being an advocate/ activist Did I do it out of love or because I had such anger or rage against a system and those who create misery by oppressing and harming the vulnerable in our society. Outcasts I have always leaned towards because I have always felt like I never really belonged or fit in anywhere Maybe a part of me was afraid to get close because but than I think I have been close to people and have friendships that have lasted for so long. Does any of it really matter now anyway? And with this time what do I want to do with it In some ways I think I can’t go back that’s a given but I feel like I can’t move forward so it is moment by moment I have lots to think about Sunday, January 15, 2023 4:26:44 PM new I went to sleep late woke early by the roommate creeping across the floor I jumped out of bed and demanded to know what he was doing ugh He said he was checking my phone to see if it was left off yia People sometimes and he thinks that I messed up the net and phone But I didn’t I was trying to troubleshoot and fix it before I went to sleep last night. But his actions revels his mindset so Funny as I type it makes me think why do I always feel compelled to fix things or at least learn how or why of something Even broken people I feel compelled to fix weird Today it feels so good to see the sun it`s been so cloudy and dark for what feels like forever. Happiness what is it really nothing tangible nothing that can been seen or held or touched and yet it`s something we all want well most do Is it external or internal or both I haven`t written much the last several months There are so many things I want to know but time is running out for me well I`d like to think it is but the universe always circumvents my plans I have only been proactive on for several years maybe but really not until 2012. I was always a front line in your face activist and left the online activities to others with more experience. I worked on policy and other things but nothing personal. A few times prior, I did engage in online battles it was funny it was how I met Joe who called himself God of the internet and I was clueless when I engaged with him. It was funny when I reflect the arrogance of youth and invincible or so I thought And the whole time I have been active online I have been a target and I don`t know why. A friend today says she thinks it government driven no one has this many problems but maybe it`s both hackers and government and maybe they will collide ah funny thoughts But people have died and I miss them and sometimes I think and feel the loss just not as much now. Life goes on Sometimes I wonder if because I wanted to believe in something so badly that someone would come along and liberate Most dream of cars houses money dream weddings etc and all I wanted was to fix things make music and live free and without health it all become moot And nature the natural world living here and that is a story too everyone asking me to come here and take a break and I did and they all return to the city. But I am happy here it is not and never will be home but it will suffice And turtle away as I work But today I took a break from it all and was somewhat social I woke up the other day thinking how insane it all is .. all these leaders and borders and people and I see things when I dream and only a few close friends know I see the past sometimes and current things and future but the insights Today in conversation as we discussed things I said what if it is all race memory my word for it .. it`s nothing more than code entwined into our DNA and some can access this but for most it has been programmed out and just a thought .. and like trauma and generational passed down through that tiny strand of coded information I should be making dinner but nope I sit here instead yia So the morning thought was why are we all working against each other it makes no sense from developing better methods of doing things to all aspects of our lives. We are not really free or able to make free choices and world leaders who oppress and kill their own people and yet profess religion or law pft not worth the spit in my mouth utter contempt Trade secrets and all this silly spy stuff What is evil those who profess to uphold laws but hide behind it and religion Hell is a separation from the light it`s not a place or thing as many are taught But their time is coming and it makes me happy because and maybe it is wrong to feel this way but they have inflicted so much over time on others and made themselves gods by taking the lives of others just because they can Ah I am leaving this behind so long after I am no longer here you all will be able to see what I was feeling or thinking and there will be no disagreements over the journals because I write some of it here. There are data sticks and the external drive and all the computers and files and yeah .. I have always had an affinity for the disenfranchised My second assessment is on Friday so The sunset last night was amazing soft cold colors and tonight it was bright vibrant streaks of color Wednesday, January 11, 2023 So many experiences, thoughts, and words just elude me Well time passes regardless I have found only one photo taken at a protest I went to and it is a fav A long black coat black hat black boots with dark glasses long dark hair with red streaks so cool I used to believe in so many things and that people were good and shrug naïve Sunday, January 8, 2023 12:55:10 AM Another year has passed by so quickly I am not writing as often Things have changed so much and I am just too unmotivated to write Well I dunno I think our work and the things that brought joy dies with us and it means nothing to anyone else. Thursday, December 29, 2022 11:46:00 PM Well I was going to write so many thoughts running through my mind But meh It is what it is Too tired to try to hold onto any Wednesday, December 28, 2022 2:23:10 PM Quotes "When there's nothing more to say, silence. when there's nothing else to be done, just let it be, Just be, stay in the company of your heart, Some days you just need to rest, and rebuild your energy. There is no rush! The priority is for you to find again your Essence, so that you have present in you the joy of being." - St. Francis of Assis - From a blanket of snow to a bed of ash Intelligence can become the most precious gift. Using it to reduce suffering can be wonderful. and makes life more interesting,” LockBitSupp wrote in a post on a hacker forum. The gang also promised to share over torrent 300GB of data stolen from Entrust so “the whole world will know your secrets.” and yet the truth stills remains buried .... ah funny thing is i don`t want to be here or anywhere anymore sad but ... Saturday, December 17, 2022 10:09:04 PM The pain is reaching the almost intolerable threshold but I still delay taking anything now. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this and I want to just override that innate instinctive drive to live. Sometimes the pain will be really bad and than poof, it is gone. It leaves me unable to do anything so it is not living it is merely an attempt to exist and I wonder the why Two days ago I was thinking of the crow and than I saw this black shadow appear overhead and than I saw the familiar way he flies but than it was so odd because it was gone as quickly as he appeared I kept watching it was as if he dropped out of the sky for a moment and than gone It still leaves me questioning but I know what I saw There is so much snow and it looks so virginal so pristine everything covered in white Thursday, December 15, 2022 12:47:23 PM The news of a celebrity`s death and an online activists death ah and the visit with the palliative care social worker visit yesterday leaves me thinking on a deeper level. I told the worker I was unhappy with the health and state of my body but aside from that happy. Not many would understand I suppose And with these recent deaths it brings a lot of thoughts and emotions to the surface. The social worker said she has never met anyone like me and I made her tear up yikes just because of the candor of our conversation and my desire for maid. A state sanctioned form of suicide really sigh we can call it whatever we want but the measurable outcome is the finality of death. It is funny how things impact us or can and our impact on the lives of others without us even realizing it. The social worker said she wished there was more people like me and it made me think of our responsibility to others because what we feel and how we are seen is oftentimes not the same. I woke up this morning with this song playing through my thoughts and I will google to see if I can find it. I sat with a father listening to him as he shared the death of his son It was a cold gray day and we sat at the table looking out over the water as he shared his grief so sad. We don’t connect as we ought to anymore as nature intended us too. Not really we off it all to the various institutions leaving it to the state. It makes little difference how because the outcome is the same It took me a long time to really embrace and accept all parts of myself, I am still learning and growing, and yeah I just wish that things were different I found the song that was playing in my wake up thoughts as I opened my eyes this morning The Strumbellas – Spirits Weird and there was another song but the above was the one that woke me. Ah I think of all that I have experienced and the trauma we all face things in life some more than others and it is how we go through it and our responsibility Anyway good and bad I am happy to just be who I am a perfectly flawed disaster The trust that others place in us and how important it is not to misuse this and why do I still hold back when I feel sadness or tears been this way from my earliest memory. Why? When there are times when I want to cry to release emotions and times when I simply wait for it to pass Maybe it stems from not feeling safe or showing emotions is vulnerability or the bullying that occurred. The education system is so old, outdated and a cruel place for some Tuesday, December 13, 2022 Random drifting thoughts ..taking a break in the quiet computer room Globally there is a lot going on I suppose there always has been but today with the devices available, it makes it easier to access information. I have dreams and maybe it was the dreams and my candor in sharing these insights that caused some of the issues. And maybe it helped to save me ah who knows speculation I really didn`t know anything not really but than I started paying attention and researching to see if there was any validity Abstract words once again and those deep blocks in my mind, I wonder where it comes from and why One does not have to give birth in order to have strong maternal instincts or the desire to protect So many various degrees of love I often wonder about the sound and if it created that feeling of bonding and I think of chemical reaction that occurs when we meet someone and why it is not present with others. And I wonder if they were just people looking to scam exploit or what exhale because I was hired by a Korean couple to work for them and I asked them one day why me. She said because I have a trusting face not like the other white people our experiences create the biases sometimes we don`t notice Engrave people’s hearts and minds with Jack used to tell me the next revolution with be based on knowledge.. The wisdom of elders Monday, December 12, 2022 10:36:12 PM I moved the computer in October and out of sight out of mind. Ah So many changes over the last few months some good some not so much It is funny the thoughts that swirl around and yeah I never really had trust issues in people but all this has changed too a learning curve. Last week and the weekend was different when I think of it all My time has been spent sitting at the top of the steps having conversations with people standing at the bottom and watching sunsets and moonrises and sitting on the bench outside soaking up the warmth of the sun and eating chips and watching movies that made me laugh and made me cry and falling asleep before the book closes Christmas used to be a difficult time but now I just shrug and it is what it is another day. And I get so tired so quick it bites Tuesday, December 6, 2022 Listening to an old song that surfaced in my thoughts I heard it playing on a transistor radio at my grandfather’s place so long ago now and today it surfaced I wonder if it was triggered by the conversation with the local visitor She says we were supposed to meet and it was a cool interaction She has the same health issue I do but she is older and hers is not advanced The nurse came by did the usual and I have not bounced back like I was hoping and maybe this is now the new norm. Nostalgia sets in listening to this song prophetic to the times we are all now living ah sad So many good memories of those childhood days I could never decide what I liked better and finally decided I liked all The city we lived in the small town of my mom`s and the remoteness of my grandfathers. I remember the neighbors in the city all complaining when the black family moved in and I stood on the sidewalk looking around the street. We had such a diverse street with Italians, Portuguese, Dutch a Jewish family a family from Newfoundland the Irish and Chinese around the corner and the Greek in the back Dad used to say raise children all together when they are young and they will see no differences … sigh Hence the song I find something so comforting in the voice of the male singer I miss Oh well life goes on and it is all what it is and only when we can weaponize love and compassion as they have done with hate will change occur and to dream I suppose drives the hope that creates the motion that feeds life I am so thankful for the people who have come into my life and stayed Last night I had a dream of my deceased friend and we walked and talked just like we used to and he had two other companions with him. There was this big house with so many levels I wanted him to come back with me but he couldn’t and I woke up Looking for answers in others .. maybe It is a grey rainy cold day I share my stories the music the art and the advocacy it`s funny where life takes us and the people who enter our lives. Today I was more somber and not much laughter today And a random thought as I log into social media Only two know about Irish and one is no longer a friend and the other is a ghost Saturday, December 3, 2022 I have been remiss in writing and other things Many things going on ah I thought about dignity, class and forgiveness - Forgiveness is not exacting retribution for the harm caused I can say life has always been interesting Someone online once asked me if I thought I was special and I said no Different for sure as are our experiences A city friend called recently we had a lengthy conversation I am thinking of social engineering and wonder I get tired of advocating where others failed to step up Anyway I am going to stop writing I am going to write myself in a Monday, November 28, 2022 9:40:03 AM Vanity vanity And I am not online as much on the social media sites because it is rather disheartening to see the devolution of humanity sigh the ugliness behind It is not what I want to absorb so The ones who ended up coming forward during that critical period was the poverty class the poor the outcasts and love covers a multitude of sin So cliché perhaps but I don`t care That soul ache surfaces and I want to cry but I don`t sigh resolve settles in. The days pass by so fast and I can`t keep up I asked for help a long time ago and it never came It was an journey for sure and Bittersweet emotions Quality of life is different for everyone Washing my face this morning staring in the mirror, I was thinking how others did it. I look ok but internally not so much Suicide and dying with dignity is the same just a word play really I always have backup plans Those involved in my small support healthcare circle are beginning to understand and talk. It makes me laugh as they try to figure me out the complexities of our human nature and the experiences that shape us. Advocacy and activism has been deeply encoded into my dna it has been my life always looking for a better way. Sometimes like today I feel like time is not mine and it is slipping away faster than I can hold. I don`t think we really know what the right choices are with any certainty Second-guessing my decisions I created kinder softer spaces and a whole lot of friction but I am tired now soul fatigue is Tuesday, November 22, 2022 It is late afternoon now and the hospice nurse and the doctor just left I made them laugh and smile and yeah I couldn’t help using humor They used some of my quotes funny anyway as this life winds down and ebbs away I wonder what waits beyond this I try not too focus on the negative aspects but there was so much more I wanted to do and experience I shared part of my life story I don`t know why I don’t talk about myself to others just I focus on different things I suppose. The people and the experiences that touched mine To live to be 80 or older and tons of grandbabies and babies and and all the trips I will never take Anyway today is a good day and I will create music in my next journey and dance under the universe leaving trails of color behind I lived Saturday, November 19, 2022 7:01:PM Watched the snow falling from my window today everything looking so pure so white Things have changed so much so has my thoughts I am able to actually make some time for an hour to listen to music and feel A bit of a disconnect between body and mind and this is a good thing some respite Thursday, November 17, 2022 I have not being writing or online much Still no sign of a remission this time and nothing seems to be working. Maybe the healthcare system still harbors grudges there are things that could lend quality of life but I won`t find it forthcoming anytime soon. Everyday is more of a decline today I am pushing past to get some things done and I wanted to listen to music. Life is not looking too pretty for me right now The local shy guy came by to do errands for me and we talked a bit and asked if I was going to be ok before he left. At least I made him laugh by cracking a few jokes and what else can I do. He said when some people or most are sick or in pain are miserable and all I can do is shrug and that`s left. I wish things were different I don`t think there has been a time when I felt this bad So I sorted through items that I want some to have There is a story behind each thing I still have from cd`s to files to jewelry collected and the data sticks but really in the end it only really matters to me. I know this and it is why I cherished each part of my experiences along the way always present in those moments and drawing strength from the memories A friend has flown in we will spend the day together tomorrow I wonder if this flareup will level off or if the downward spiral will continue Been a well lived life and so many amazing people along the way I wonder a lot these past few weeks I used to sit and listen when friends/family with a terminal illness needed to talk Ah my heart I have loved so much I was reading an entry I wrote from two years ago and maybe two years from now I can do the same .. time will tell The nurse told me one woman lived 15 years with it Just a little self-pity creeping in as things change I may not write anymore Thursday, November 10, 2022 10:39:13 AM I did something that is so out of the norm, I fell asleep last night still connected to the net and everything was left up and open. Just such a deep sleep and so quick Today is so warm and sunny Yesterday was a challenging day I had two hospice nurses come in to do an assessment. The one nurse has arranged for a doctor to come in so I won`t have to travel outside the comfort of the house. I like the one nurse she is so blunt and straight up She said that the disease is not very forgiving and I think - not that any of it matters now and maybe I am feeling a little like a fatalist. I try not to If I was not healthy in the beginning and determined and and I would most likely not be writing this now. I met someone a few years ago him and his partner invited me over to visit and than the conversation turned to his health issues and we shared experiences. He ended up suddenly dying at 45 Just when I was so happy to have found them and we would visit often and engage in a variety of cool topics. He went to work everyday than woke up one morning sat in the chair drinking coffee as he was getting ready for work and his heart stopped. Someone recently told me I was here for a reason but I dunno the things I once believed in everything seems so different now. I can`t plan because Political persecution is very real and prevalent in Canada those in power are just a little more adept at hiding it and quietly burying the people they target 13 years off the grid Wow seems surreal as I look back in some ways it seems like such a long time ago eons and in other ways like no time has passed All of this has taught me to have a greater understanding and to have a kinder gentler approach. For many of the adversaries they will have to live with their choices every single day knowing they could have made better choices. I suppose fear dominates I have no fear not really The complexity of the mind and human body is fascinating and the instinctive desires that override logic the desire to stay alive sometimes I wonder the why`s How is it stronger in some and not others and why is it so hard to override and return to that neutral state There have been so many times I just wanted to fall apart or needed a hug or or but I just look around at the empty spaces and keep going I have helped a lot of people over time and never shared just how much I did or named those I helped and it helped me too the learning experiences and gaining a greater understanding and the importance of caring and kindness and I regret nothing I see a lot of people rant about truth but unless we are perfect we have no right to call out anyone on personal issues or vendettas I would lie over and over by omission if it meant protecting the safety of others defiant until the end Sunday, November 6, 2022 12:57:54 PM The power was on and off most of the day And the roommate had a problem with his tv and box So I reset it all for him He takes issues like this to a different level all personal like the world is out to get him. I wonder why as I type this now And this song is playing in the background and it reminds me of a memory We were all out driving around, the sun was setting, and I saw this wonderful tree that reminded me of Africa so we stopped the car, blasted the music and danced. The site was undergoing development and the life of the tree was limited Sad Playing the song crush now – at work I sat beside this girl Robin her and I got along good. One night she started singing this song and her voice was amazing. We all encouraged her to try out for Canada has talent but at the last minute she changed her mind and life goes on She always seemed so fearless walking home from work one night a guy tried to rob her of her purse she beat his ass good. The cops arrested him Funny what we fear failure success I dunno acceptance approval In the end none of it matters not really I have few fears and yet I still sleep with a light on or during the day I wonder why because there is nothing that is traumatizing in my past to link this too I have walked down roads late at night and slept outside in the night but in a bedroom the light is always on Security I dunno Habit I look around globally and see the changes happening so quickly and I wonder what it is that global leaders fear and why the great push to create fractures within the lower tiers The ability to extrapolate and I saw these days long before I wonder who and when the next global coming of power will manifest Too bad about America falling who will replace it The deep hatred and polarization is rampant I often thought they lacked critical thought Canada always follows Saturday, November 5, 2022 12:14 AM I have not written since the thanksgiving weekend and I removed a lot off the computer. I keep saying sick but I am not sick because being sick means you recover eventually. So afflicted disease genetically flawed are perhaps better word choices I have spent time rethinking and reconsidering many different views Tonight my thoughts are on forgiveness how difficult it is to forgive to let go of that residual aspect of animosity that lingers below the surface. In essence, it really means you just no longer have a desire to exact any form of retribution because in the end it really doesn’t matter I want to be happy that`s it with the time I have We never really know how long that is so to waste it on the negative or ugliness is simply not worth the energy or effort Honor killings a random thought when families kill others in the name of protecting the families honor. Yia so messed it’s more like pride and ego nothing lovely or pure about ending a life. sigh My nana used to put us on the honor system saying if we breeched three that was it and the shame of that was on us. I never wanted to break that or the trust or or funny what you believe as a child I have seen some really pretty sunsets over the last month The weather has been unusually warm and tonight the a/c is running The crows are gone now for the winter I hope to see them return in the spring Ah remember

and this year I will not be able to participate I try not to think of the things I can`t do and stay focused on what I can do. The transitions of living