While the world was sleeping

One day, when my face and my name are forgotten – for the wheel of life involves everyone thrown into this world in its revolving circle and mixes them finally with the dust – then I would perhaps become transparent as a breeze. And if one looks for the heroes of our times and of the past, all then just heaps of insignificant dust, they would be found blowing by the force of my currents, in my stories.”quote Monday, April 24, 2023 8:13:19 PM I was awake early but went back to sleep for a few hours. It`s been a funny kind of day for me the mood matching the weather cloudy rainy sunny warm ah Listened to a podcast I was thinking of all the followers and how we as a society are missing a charismatic leader that is able to bring people together. Maybe this thought is just an illusion wanting to believe in something I dunno I listened to some favorite music and made homemade soup it`s been a while since I actually cooked. Some anxiety surfacing over my decision wondering if it’s the right one denial and self-doubt creeping in. Is it too soon? On those rare good days I forget the illness but than the gravity of the situation comes back Sunday, April 23, 2023 11:34:33 PM I am glad that today is finally coming to a close It has been a long tiring day Yesterday the power was being weird on off and finally it went off just after 9 pm. I read for awhile before sleeping I think of all the places I will never get to see or trips that I wanted to take and yeah. I think of the people mostly males sitting on death row and I see it differently now in a more compassionate way. Some people are just born defective and some choose to be ugly. It is for those who cannot Anyway, I feel bad for me and what I am facing and it is what it is the choices we make I had to call tech support to fix the cable boxes and it was the oddest conversation yia anyway. He asked me how I jumped the queue because there was a lot of people ahead of me and I said I got angry because and dialed the numbers that came my way. So anyway its fixed now The power being out last night reminded me of that night when the sky was so clear and the amount of stars took my breath away the beauty and vastness of it all. The bliss of those experiences keep me going they feed my soul especially when I am sick. I have resigned myself to the fact that there will be no bouncing back this time. Ah, hope that drives movement that fuels life I am in battery backup mode now. Still some things I want to do before. I turn on the laptop but often I just leave it sitting idle not enough energy to do much. I play games to distract sometimes and listen to music A couple of friends lent me their cameras but my heart is not in it anymore. I have two sitting in the corner of my bedroom and I appreciate what they do probably more than they know. An acquaintance once said I can tell what kind of person you are and I asked him how and he said by looking at the people around you and it is only now that I fully understand. Mom used to say that dad and I were alike we wouldn’t know a clue if we tripped over it, those hints and it makes me smile thinking about it now. She didn’t mean it in a negative way just that unless it is straight up the hints were lost. Reading between the lines was missed I just hope I am making the right decision one that I dread but practical I just don`t know what else to do and this is a first for me sigh Friday, April 21, 2023 3:26:10 PM I went to bed way too late and was awake for most of the rest of the sleep time. The pain woke me so many times just affirmation that I am making the right choice to end it June 5th so I don’t know why this date popped into my mind. But I am going with it and notified the doctor The nurse was here this morning I had the medication set out beside the syringe but meh I don`t like the way the pain meds make me feel. We have good conversations, developed a friendship we make each other laugh trading jokes and stories The clock shows 333 I had the strangest dream when I was able to sleep early this morning One of those weird travelling backwards in time dreams Random thoughts drifting through Thursday, April 20, 2023 12:14:04 PM Today is sunny and warm and the leaves are starting to bud so maybe I will get to see the lilacs bloom. Looking back through some of the collective work the bits and pieces and the substandard equipment we were all working with so ahead of our time as far as concept goes. Sad We never had a chance to fully develop or reach our potential the system is designed this way. Thinking of the day, I was supposed to take part in a United Nations project and ended up at the wrong meeting. The people were in a different social class and as the large group broke off into smaller working groups, I attached myself to this one group of wealthy well-dressed well-versed group. The first thing the one male leading the group said was gated communities will not be enough we need to build higher fences as he looked at me. I smiled because and I stayed in that group making them all as uncomfortable as hell. Toronto was so busy for us that day and so many deputations and than this meeting. Later one of the activist asked me how I got to be a part of that meeting because it was a private one. I said I just showed up and no one asked me to leave. So naïve in so many ways as I reflect I wanted breakfast this morning but I didn’t have the energy to make it let alone eat it. It used to be my favorite going out to eat or having others around to share in the preparation and yeah. I still work when I can and maybe not entirely happy in the normal sense of living life. I am content with my life and there is peace it is a different kind of happiness and people are kind. Most times, I don’t think of what was because I sometimes ah thoughts it is what it is I love the way the air smells today as the ground wakes up, the sky is so blue no clouds in sight, the lake is free from all the ice and the sun streaming in feels so good. Posting the odd memes now ah funny we thought we would change the world but I suppose we all think this same thought until we mature and the reality of life whacks us over the head. Funny Love no country and follow no leaders my motto today Looking through social media site from a different lens Seeing what I didn`t see before and sad because of the lost abilities to effect change all that time and energy wasted but perhaps this too is an illusion. I was friends with Eric the American Eric not the Canadian one He had some issues for sure but he created all these online accounts and made up all this stuff and all it did was created divisions and why But I did learn about keyloggers from him as he put one on the pcap computer and I didn’t know what it was at first or the man in the middle attack. And of course ko with his sexual stuff that attempted to circumvent our goals and his offer to help was really an attempt to freeze his targets. Maybe he had a small inkling of wanting change but His engaging others to undermine us by telling lies yet screaming for the truth sigh and his minions doing his bidding as he laughs at them sad I feel mostly sympathy because We all have told lies withheld truths etc in our lifetime it would be an omission of truth if we denied this fact. But some have done it for nefarious reasons while others simply wanted to protect others. It is an unforgiving system I have worked so hard here and in spite of our differences I keep us all focused on the same goal because it is the one common factor that binds us And sometimes I get impatient or frustrated and think you are all assholes than I feel bad afterwards One time I called someone was an fking asshole and he confronted me and said you called me an asshole and I corrected him as we made eye contact and I said no I called you a fking asshole there is a big difference and he stormed out the door and everyone laughed. Life goes on and we still work together but we respect each other’s boundaries now. While the world was sleeping we were stopping hydro cut offs and evictions and returning kids to their parents and restoring gas connections and taking on the system and creating allies and inroads into effecting change advocating in courtrooms, boardrooms and healthcare settings We were a small core group with the same goals setting aside our differences, sidestepping the drama, and calling out the bullshit to recreate kinder softer spaces So I will die happy knowing I have done the best I could with the tools I had and the knowledge in my head sigh what little I know and yeah I wonder how oh well none of it really matters much now I wish jack was still around, alive I have so many questions, and his insights are sorely missed I hope that the nefarious ones get everything they have meted out and than some Maybe I can come back and haunt them all

Thursday, April 20, 2023 12:34:36 AM It seems surreal as I reflect on the day The palliative care social worker was here today and we had a good conversation. I gave her my books and made her laugh when she asked about how it ought to be worded in the files I laughed and said “another one bites the dust”. I am still unsure about the decision I have made and I know things won’t get better. I guess there is still a part of me that has hope 6:24:26 PM Tuesday, April 18, 2023 Sitting here now that everyone has left listening to music and wondering why I get so upset at times. I am not even sure what I am feeling a combination or emotions and thoughts. Not that any of it really matters much now because most of it is in the past. Living in the moments mostly Tuesday, April 18, 2023 4:07:03 PM Today is going by so fast The nurse was here and the one doctor called to say she was ordering the medication. Now the reality of my choice is setting in asking myself if I am making the right choice. So many things I never completed or got around to doing. It is so much colder today a mix of rain and snow and windy. Later this afternoon when visitors stopped by I started sharing and the passion of what I was so involved in took over and they never heard of Aaron Swartz or his work or wikileaks or Julian Assange any of it or internet freedom etc. I talked about the poverty class and how the system was so unfair and how important it is to take them out of their comfort zone and show them the world outside of it. I did this one case involving the children’s aide involvement with a young couple living in abject poverty. Before court started that day, I sat in listening to the judge and lawyers all talking about golf and other things. And the one lawyer had to bring his kids with him that day and he gave them access to the court library. I peeked inside to see it I had seen others but this one was one of the nicest. That room had big windows allowing a lot of natural light in and a small-enclosed private courtyard and row upon row of law books encompassing all current global and domestic and precedence case setting laws. Things the public never has access too I felt outrage over the demands of the social welfare/cas demands that were being placed on this couple and their small baby. I was there mostly as a support person that day as the system would decide if they got to keep their newborn and what hoops would be placed before them I couldn`t shut my mouth about the unfairness This couple loved their baby and just needed a little support and being poor well this was not a crime. The events I witnessed in the morning were used as foundation of the argument in spite of the lawyer saying to his clients to comply. I laid it out in court that day calling them all out about the library and their kids being exposed to a different world and the contrast between their world and the poverty class exposed to the local drop in centre and food banks and soup kitchens and parenting programs and grooming the next generation of the poverty class to be in a loop of constant survival mode. I stood behind the young couple as they held their newborn baby Everyone in the courtroom went silent as I spoke and after a brief pause we were told to leave. And than the judge sent the social worker outside to sit and talk to me about coming to an agreement. The couple were able to keep their baby and exempt from having to attend any of those sessions. Every single word I spoke that day was a truth and they fear the day the poverty class becomes educated, learns, and teaches others and that became my primary focus. To free others from the fear through knowledge/education just as others along the way did for me. There is no shame in saying I don`t know and asking for help and yet we are taught not too or we fail to share our skills and abilities. Everyone wants to be a leader and I don`t want to be ruled I have time and patience And now not so much time because sad in some ways I wonder who will or are there others that will continue to do the same Today was a pj day for me and no one seemed to mind The adventures I have lived, the experiences and people I met I always said I am a product of what you created All the funny mishaps along the way that made me laugh just thinking about a few and telling the stories makes people laugh sharing that human connection and we are so perfectly flawed and that’s okay and mistakes are just another part of the learning curve. We can`t begin to know it all sigh I have few regrets so this is good I suppose Goodbyes are hard and I never liked goodbyes because they are forever Monday, April 17, 2023 2:20:26 PM Well Last night I heard the spring peepers the chorus filled the airwaves I called and left a message for the doctor setting the date So unless a miracle occurs I guess I just realized as I listened to this one song I most likely will never create any more music and suddenly the enormity of it hit me. I think of the one person who visited and started to cry and that’s what kills me. I have been so sick just born with genetic a defect, that is the way it goes, and if the medical profession were proactive my life would be very different. Maybe I should have went to a different country before things escalated but hindsight I take some comfort in knowing that even my adversaries will face death at some point ah I am thankful for all the amazing people who supported and believed in me and those who helped along the way. It gave me some time The chronic fatigue is the worse part of this and of course the pain but more so the inability to complete or focus because I am simply too tired. Ironic we are all such flawed creatures and yet no one wants to acknowledge their imperfections. All I want now is to create kinder softer spaces Looking at the various groups and people on social media Not one of them stepped forward when we needed help and forgiveness will never be forthcoming from me. Their inactions caused a lot of harm just as bad as the adversaries’ yeesh And they never stepped forward to ask for forgiveness or say sorry so anyway still a point of contention on my part and the emotions that follow. It is getting cooler now as the clouds move in big gray clouds bringing in the colder air. Ah the wars we fight externally and internally I don’t think there is a heaven or hell that most people are conditioned to believe. And we don’t see those who have gone before us but this is just my thoughts on it and based on personal experience. I think there is a transition period because how else would I see foreknow in advance seeing what I have. It is disheartening in some ways when I look back at all the things I once believed in and those I trusted. Jack tried to caution me but I didn`t want to see it. I do now. On a lighter note, it brought us together with others who shared the same collective mindset and goals. Even as sick as I am now and often working alone I still keep doing what I’ve always done to effect change and create friction just in a different way and teach others how to do the same. So who knows In spite of all the challenges I loved life and never gave up on things I was passionate about and I had fun so Last week a friend asked me what makes me happy I said when I travelled always on the road never really knowing where I was going until I ended up there. That sense of freedom the sound of the tires at night on a quiet stretch of a dark road the radio on the windows open eating buttered toast with real butter and hot coffee comes to mind. He offered to drive me across Canada he said he and his partner have no ties. And it made me smile Just the thought. I am confident in who I am and my abilities and yeah Anyway, I look at what I have for me this will suffice. I think when we look at what others have it creates the unhappiness that leads the polarization and lashing out. When I first started, some of the work it was many males requesting help and some had so much anger and did not know what to do with it. their world was different so it was finding ways to refocus and hearing their stories about not being able to see their kids or paying high amounts of child support or no work or place to live so many areas and several I worked with ended their own lives such a tragic outcome. three always remain in my thoughts one was falsely accused and looking at jail time and the other lost his job and couldn’t stay away from that toxic ex and they were such amazing souls and gone just like that. The one told me on the weekend you won`t see me on Monday Ah, the internal wars that rage on and the implosions that occurred because Was it all a vanity? Sunday, April 16, 2023 2:01:29 AM I am still awake and the time has just passed by so fast I did return one phone call but the others I haven`t So many thoughts Sometimes I wonder about it all and how we ended up this way The only thing about dying that bothers me the most is hurting the people that care about me. That is the key reason why I have struggled through and of course because of my enemies A friend from the city who came to visit said some within the corporate and elected officials that are still very pissed off at me and it makes me laugh. I lit so many fires I wonder if people stop and think about things really think sigh not likely I wonder where I would have been if I had not got sick There are so many ways of creating friction to fight back It`s funny how others will take credit for work or ideas that I or others come up with and yeah. None of it matters now ah cancel culture and rewriting us out of history I once asked a sniper who came back how he could be so loving towards his children and think nothing of killing abroad I wonder why I set my moral/ethics so high why I didn`t do more but work I am not afraid of death a morbid topic for most but something we all will experience at some point. I am more concerned with not dying weird but it is how I feel. The one friend who visited last week said he just wanted to see me happy and it is hard when inside I feel so miserable and they can`t see I dunno the flare-up happened in February and is has progressed and no matter how I try to be positive or refocus my thoughts the body just does what it does. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow will be better well used to now it`s more like ah maybe it will be better Saying goodbye is something I am not good at because it is so final forever final Saturday, April 15, 2023 5:08:36 PM Today is going by so fast The nurse was here yesterday and it was a good visit and conversation Still not feeling much better but the intense pain is easing Called the doctor yesterday but they do everything so backwards here. It is a cascading effect and yeah some of the medications can trigger a tsunami within the body and it doesn’t always recover. I have been through some major health crisis moments in the past and recovered but this is different Anyway I was scrolling mindlessly through the social media feed and thinking about how many people I knew/know and the connections. Some still active some once in awhile and some have just dropped off as life keeps us busy in different directions. I was on a rant yesterday with the nurse ugh and the doctor`s office sigh I have isolated because Thursday, April 13, 2023 4:32:39 PM I just feel like curling up on my bed and yeah But I have things I need to do I hate this feeling Wednesday, April 12, 2023 12:59:22 PM I woke up early but went back to sleep This song was on my mind hermans hermits so weird such an odd song to invade my thoughts So I googled and listening now I am still so sick and no indication of any improvement or remission I put off calling the doctor this morning and yesterday the nurse and the local visitor said I shouldn`t let it go. She said I don`t want to lose you angst I am grieving for myself today this horrible hollow ache because a life that I will never have again. I did an advocacy case for this man and his family and I was pissed off at the legal clinic because they sent him to me and yet collected the money for work they never did. This happens so often and they were from the poverty class and ended up coming to me. We sat in my living room and I listened first as they talked cried and yeah ready to give up. A probono case I was able to help got his disability expedited and safe affordable housing and the pacemaker. It was the latter that stayed with me because of the doctors words “ we know he needed a pacemaker but the provincial mandate is that all other resources have to be exhausted (medical treatments) the pacemaker was over ten grand and this man was only in his thirties still years of earning potential and a contributing taxpayer. The disability was caused from an alcoholic mother and he was born with a heart defect as a result. And so I tackled this issue with the ministry policy level and their legal team and he got the pacemaker but he almost died. They had the pacemaker for over a year But these issues are never recorded anywhere those nefarious policies that adversely impact the quality of life I acquired most of the insights and skills from these situations and I cursed out the legal clinic whose rational was advocacy cases are time consuming and not worth it but it mattered to me just as those suffering the issues matter to them. I know who and how to target to get what I want and for the right reasons I have been there and when I needed someone there was no one so I know what its like perhaps more than most. I learned how to dance within the parameters of the laws and polices and regulations they created and use it against them Now I am sick and I know I am being stonewalled and someone somewhere wants me gone sigh it is one of those things you sense, you feel and you just know. I have kept a lot of files and recorded conversations just in case dating back ah and now what do I do with it. There was a time when wikileaks was helping me to expose some of the local issues and I didn`t even know what an anonymous dropbox was in the beginning but we were shut down a time when I was begging so many to help Never again ah lessons learned So many looking to sexually exploit, money scammers, attention seekers and just really shitty human beings and my anger turned to rage 11:15:03 AM Monday, April 10, 2023 Playing around with a meme listening to music and I am a fan of this one group but I never heard this one song before until today and it resonates. I wonder why I love music so much is it the rhythm or and the effect it has and sometimes it makes me forget it is like it remaps and synchronizes with my own waves creating a form of neuroplasticity allowing me to transcend my current physical fragilities. Monday, April 10, 2023 9:15:52 AM I was awake at 6 am so not a morning person Keening comes to mind as I write and it comes from a place deep inside different from the heart and mind and most people don`t understand Friday after the nurse left the paramedic came by to check up and do tests. I joked around with her and made her laugh saying I haven`t made it to my bronze years yet let alone silver or golden years and we made light talk and she showed me the results of the heart tests. And it confirms what I already knew and was feeling. When one organ starts it impacts the other At least I know and A family member aunt came to visit to make amends for the past and I am happy that we connected. The past seems so long ago and the emotions that was attached She told me about the autoimmune disorder and that other family members are struggling too. While this does not change anything for me it offers me some insights and knowing that it is real The difference for some is how the medical system treats it Sorrow anger rage all these emotions and in the end the sense of helplessness because and the solutions so close so tangible but not attainable and why. A moment of insanity driven by pain and the insights sigh I was advocating a healthcare case and it comes to my mind as I write A mom and her child she was from the poverty class and in this city within the medical community, they had such a bias towards the poor Her daughter only 5 years old and this doctor was doing an eye exam the child had a lot of health issues and the mom felt the doctors were being dismissive. So I attended as a witness The doctor did the exam and the mom asked some questions. He was horrible ah my emotions surfaced She was a good mom and his words to her “ you missed the window of opportunity to improve her vision”. This nature of this appointment is because I am doing a study not to treat her vision loss. Sitting here now reflecting over the past and did I really think I would be treated without bias if at all sigh hope is a funny thing Several cases come to mind well more than several do I advocated in so many areas most groups/advocates only focus on one area I was tired of the limitations and groups vision mandates and restrictions and watching people struggle and lost and Today I am crying on the inside and yet on the outside not one tear flows I wonder why So many life times Their voices became my stories and it was something I never shared because and the friendships and bonds and so many times, they were let down or no help was forthcoming My dad’s words just remember when you take something on that there will be no one standing behind you when you look over your shoulder In other words, hold no illusions On averages, people have an agenda or motive it is the same with all these organizations and social justice causes and competing for funds and on and on and the real is lost and people suffer Ah dark days dark thoughts and I wonder and I try not to get lost in it I watched the sunrise this morning the sky is so blue and the promise of life, all the birds are returning, and it is so sad because I am not feeling Remission seems so far away but still what if Why did I do what I did ah because it was the right thing and it was motivated by a love for what I was passionate about blinded by my bias? Sunday, April 9, 2023 12:21:59 PM I was awake early by the pain but at least I slept deep Today is another rough day up and down hoping I will get some relief at some point. The human body is so complex with the internal workings and chemicals and right down to the cellular level I am so tired now I was distracted Saturday, April 8, 2023 10:35:28 PM I just came in from being outside, the sky is so clear, and the stars and planets are amazing tonight. I just want to wrap myself up in all of it and One of those ah moments and coming back inside my foot caught in my pj`s and I almost did a faceplant and it made me laugh in spite of how sick I am. The universe grounding me I tend to be off somewhere else sometimes The universities get grants for so many things and I once was one of the many go too because of the information I have So many different parts of my life and I never shared some parts with certain friends. Different relationships The one roommate that tends to drink a lot came up tonight and it was an interesting conversation. I will hang onto his words well I tend to hang onto a lot of words from people but he said I was really a kind lady one of the nicest he has ever known. I rarely hear feedback but here recently I am and it touches me because. What we think of ourselves is not always a reflection of how others see us. He said please take care of yourself I don`t want to lose you. Ah genetics and some are luckier than others I am a dreamer I suppose always wanting to Today was so bad I slept so little the pain yia I have medication but sometimes it makes it worse because of all the side effects but when one is so sick and perseveration is so strong Finally, tonight I have a bit of relief the body is just so weird like that I recently found out a couple of family members have the same genetic disorder Resolve I sometimes wonder why some people suffer so much and others just sail through life unscathed. Why others live through countless wars and babies growing up learning to hate and fear because of human adults. I have seen animals show more compassion than people have I was pondering the m.a.i.d process, thinking the bottom tiers will be engineered towards this, and it will free up resources and money for the upper echelon. It has me rethinking my own choice but The nurse was here the other day and sank into the chair looking tired and she talked I listened she overstayed but that was okay. She told me I wish there was people like you and I laughed said thanks but without you I wouldn`t be here. I am hitting my bronze years not likely to see the silver or golden years and we laughed. What being here has done is opened my eyes to the other side to see things differently from their perspective and the heart imprints are profound I think of how far I have come from going to sleep every night angry and waking up angry. And over time it transformed and I no longer felt it and it was so subtle that I didn’t notice it. Even now writing there is no intense emotion just an understanding I have always clung to the belief that if one sets out to do something for the right reasons with the right whatever than change can occur I think that the universe looks out for the dreamers and the vulnerable at least I want to belief this but than there are times I look at what is happening globally and it is so tragic. The moon is so low large and red as it rises Thursday, April 6, 2023 12:01:49 AM It seems like forever since I last wrote So much happening so fast and having some bad days being sick and the medications don’t agree with me and it makes me sick I quit taking them than the symptoms flare up and ugh such a horrible cycle. A year ago, I picked this date out but than changed my mind so I could finish off some things that I procrastinated about sigh. The storm here was crazy today I went to sleep late woke early to the sound of thunder and ice pellets. Funny a few days ago I was thinking I wonder if I will hear the thunder once more before I forever sleep. And all day it roared and I loved the sound ah universe The power went off a few times so finally I just went for a nap nothing else to do. The roads were covered in ice I have a lot of visitors and doing the catch up and sharing and exchanging thoughts and ideas. I can handle most issues and generally laid back. Anyway he tried to scam me out of rent money and than some and I said we all need to work together because out goal is to stay housed. He has a bad drinking problem and a childhood of abuse. So I get it But don`t try to undermine our work He has avoided me now and I have not pressured him for the return of it yet I was soaking in the tub reflecting on the value of hindsight mistakes bad and choices. Wondering about people I may have hurt along the way without meaning too and yeah sigh Words are nothing without action. I have had such amazing conversations with others over the last several days and it makes me think because I am tired just made soup and I think tonight for the first time as I write my words that I really felt heard and hmm more than heard I have no words to express. Love ah I threw a thought out about those who scam not the greedy ones but those like us struggling because of the system and finding creative ways to use the laws and rules and flip it around and sharing because people forget how sometimes Just the dreamer inside I suppose and hope One person offered to drive me from one end of Canada to the other and it made me laugh when your friends want happiness for others I don’t want to be sick like this anymore but I keep pushing through. I am tired now mostly bad days sigh but it is what it is and there is no timely health care provider coming forward with a cure. And that`s just the way it is I once warned a outspoken mayor who was facing health issues you piss off the system and they will do whatever it takes to create misery and yeah Thursday, March 30, 2023 11:24:54 PM I pulled this up to read what I wrote but than I forgot, lost in thoughts and music. There is so much Life is so different now Today I realized I no longer hum or sing as I go about the task of cleaning up I wonder if I am happy and I know that as much as I buffer or keep a distance it is hard to block the negativity of others I have fixed my space up nice a reflection of self really a few pictures I picked up in my travels on the wall a lamp and really minimal living I didn’t have much when I came here I have developed friendships here but its not the same and sometimes I try not to compare but I do. I think of the ones lost and angst Just one of those moments that creep in, you feel it, and eventually it fades away once more lost For those who are connected to me in life and in death that quantum entanglement of energy never ceases. I don`t think there is a heaven or hell or anything like what is often told or believed only an absence of And on a logical side of this is the reality of never seeing those who passed away before us and those memories all gone because I think of the times I travel during sleep and the nde and how different the experiences are. I can`t speak for others I only know based on my own personal experiences and because of those experiences I have little fear. And maybe ah sigh oh well Saturday, March 25, 2023 2:09:22 PM Seems like I never seem to find the time to finish what I intended to write about. I am listening to Serena Ryder’s song what I wouldn’t do and the first time I heard it was when mom was struggling with cancer and I just met Alex online and it was such a difficult time. My first online crush funny sigh now that I look back on it. I wonder about who he really was and the intentions but they must have been all connected him, Nicolas, and yeah maybe the music site. Serena grew up around us, her stepdad was such an interesting person, and through him, I met Artie from Rhode Island and Lenny and Denis Lenny is deceased, I lost touch with Denis, and Artie is probably dead now too. Yesterday Liz came by to visit we talked so much and laughed it felt good Sara came by, we just talk about so many things, and she said she is glad she met me and I feel the same about her. I have learned so much its type of relationships that always leaves a sense of positivity in spite of issues. Lois was here on Tuesday, we shared a lot back and forth, and she asked if she could have a copy of my book and writings so I will leave her this I set the date for june 5th and extended an invite to them so If there were, one insight to share it would be to fully embrace life and do what your heart leads you too. I have taken trips at midnight just because and kept people awake all night just to see the sunrise over the pond I know there is a ghost on the machine I saw it last night as I was travelling in my sleep more than one and it makes me laugh because and I wonder the why and while there is no malice on this side and being curious is not a crime. Its a human trait hopefully without malice from the other side sigh I once kept my sister awake we shared a room for a while, I was lying on the bed waving my feet in the air admiring them, and finally she agreed that I have pretty feet and she was going to sleep now and it made us laugh. Ah the things we do The computer was messed up this morning sigh and I don`t want to spend my time now always trying to fix things because I no longer have the energy most days to fix me. I am conflicted wondering if I am making the right choices I suppose as always overthinking and weighing all the options and the impact I am thinking of the time but ah so many thoughts rushing through that it is hard to hang onto one long enough to ponder let alone write There was a time when I thought I would never get through things but I did It`s funny flipping back to the past for a moment about the online encounters I never talked bad about anyone because it is not who I am nor did I do anything that would cause someone grief. At least not intentionally I certainly received a lot of grief from the males a few females but mostly males It is why I think that I keep a distance now from forming intimate encounters in both online and meatspace. As an advocate I have seen a lot of what I don`t want and the conflict that arises I think lawyers need to be held accountable in many areas because they profit from conflict they feed it. A lawyer Moldaver who is now on the supreme court of Canada once told me that with people like me they make no money. He called me at home at night to come into his office the next day. We had that conversation and he showed me the files that he had ongoing. Than on the floor next to his desk he showed me the few files that related to the cases I had resolved. Big differences Custody cases being at the top of the list and clients are taught to be obedient to the rule of law and the advice of the legal system. This cycle needs to be severed. I remind people that a lawyer is supposed to work for them and on their directives. Sure, there are those with a toxic mindset but most people are simply unaware and just blindly follow The education system is used by the state to groom the upcoming generations into compliance and complicity and it has to change. When children are exposed to this system for this length of time programming is made easy, parents are so busy running the treadmill there is little to counter against the propaganda, and the state offered activities yia What I have been doing here in this area is sharing my thoughts and insights with others We all agree there is so much work to do but I am running out of energy and time so sigh There are people who hate me without knowing me and I just send that energy back to source and trust the universe in the process of making my way through life I trusted sigh and I blindly believed silly I know Swapping out “without prejudice” for “without malice” considering the times we are living Heavy heart on and off today and the hurt but I don`t cry and it is just who I am and I realize now that this is ok. I used to envy my friends who could cry because and it made feel flawed imperfect in some way. Sara said i was both introverted but extroverted when it comes to my passion and care for people. Funny so many times for the public events I would hide out in the bathroom not wanting to speak. But when it came to something unfair or an injustice instinct would prevail and yeah I try to imagine life without me funny yikes and I think of the missed birthdays of people I care about Thursday, March 23, 2023 10:54:13 PM I did not wake up until 2 pm but than I did not sleep until almost 4 am The doctor called while I was sleeping to check up on me I will connect with her at some point. I did not have a good start this afternoon odd most of the electronics were down sigh. it took awhile before I got the phone fixed and online and and sigh and the tv too And I should have remained asleep blissfully unaware to the outside world. Even the crows were relentless when I stepped outside after just waking The one roommate came up before I had coffee not good for me I have this horrible pit in my stomach like something somewhere is amiss and I can`t shake it being online now only increases what I am already feeling. That collective essence or mindset or intuitive entanglement Before falling asleep I felt so comfortable secure akin to the calm before the storm and I felt as if I was wrapped up in love weird but and usually when this happens it is an indicator. Things on a level that most would scoff at because they don`t understand. Monday, March 20, 2023 7:53:59 PM A rather uneventful day that passed by so fast It is almost 8 pm and still not dark outside Last night I saw this cool planet or star in the sky but it had an odd shape I sensed it before going outside to see it and I always wonder like the wasps or the crows sensing before seeing. Just a keen sense of awareness The nurse will be here tomorrow earlier than what she usually comes by. One of the village gals is dropping by and she talks about her life and the things she has overcome and now she is thinking of ending her marriage. I asked her if she still loves him because sometimes we still love people but our focus shifts. I share with her sometimes but mostly listen she is a good person kind. I always find it curious how we meet people for the first time and it`s like we’ve been friends forever just those instant connections. Today has been a bit of a struggle and the reality of it is settling in and yeah. My sister called it was a good conversation I keep it light and crack jokes I watched a documentary on the Harvey Weinstein case and wondered about all the people that kept silent and the connections that man had and the threats he made. In my world, he would be just taken out and or met with street justice. A memory surfaced triggered by this one I forgot about it I worked for this company and the boss asked if he could transfer me to the other site because he was having problems with employees. I took that job it was nights, there was an overlap with another worker employed by a different company, and a well known well funded union. After a few nights, he came by to introduce himself and trail around behind me I was polite but mostly ignored him. After awhile he asked me out and I said no he was sketchy and I didn`t trust him. He asked again and said if I refused, he would say I was not doing my job and get me fired. It was the first time I became aware of sexual harassment What a lesson I was so naïve in so many ways knew nothing about unions or the legal system. I asked the other two female employees who transferred out of that site because of him. I learned that our union could not afford to go against their union Long story short I made his life hell and a settlement was offered to the three of us but I refused to take the money and sign a nda because I went public instead. He lost his job and the company I worked for lost their contract. I lobbied for better laws to protect The one co-worker I kept in touch with would say to me that I should have taken the money she bought a house with the money she received. When I would go to visit she would say this and I would counter with if I had kept silent we would not be sitting here now in your house. Money has never been a great motivator for me I know it is essential for living a semi comfortable life but principal ah the choices we make. The whole concept of our economic system is an illusion like so many things that comes back to the rule of law it only works if one believes and I never did. Like leaders Blinded sometimes by my personal biases March 18, 2023 Saturday 6:24:08 PM I don`t know where the time has gone today It is getting late and I have not even thought of eating or making dinner Just lost in thought, music and computer files The crow was here and his family showed up later as always The power was off today and it went from high winds and rain storm to snow and high winds. I am feeling so many mixed emotions today and not one to feel emotional to the point I could cry I want to but I don`t. I often wonder why I feel so deeply but the emotions seldom surface. Sometimes people think I don`t feel or whatever it is they think but I do. It`s like right now being as ill as I am I look ok sound okay but no one can see the internal war that rages within my body right down to the cellular level I think of pain Pain does not mean one is alive or knows they are alive such a lame saying Without pain, there is no gain ugh bullshit Life is not supposed to be about pain much like dis-ease I came across the coolest music and it helps I sometimes think I was before my time in some areas and in the past with other parts. I think of the sound that was used to simulate touch and not one of the people using it on others was willing to share. Males go figure that power and control issue as always. It always made me feel better but they thought it was sexual funny ah sigh Healing benefits of sound, more, and more it is being used in this way I have loved sound from the earliest time that I can remember I miss my friend so much today like this horrible ache in the very depths of my soul and yeah I wonder if when I no longer exist on this plain if there will be sound The days are getting longer and one of the plants I have is almost ready to blossom. I struggle to hang onto the things that make me happy and once gave me so much pleasure but most days I find it harder and harder. I think about the things people have shared with me the conversations we`ve had. A friend called to tell me she does not want to have children and for some odd reason it makes me feel sad. I understand why because considering the state of the world today shrug I have another friend who wants a child so badly but will have to go through medical procedures that may not work. There is so much going on globally if only humans would set aside the differences and learn to play nice I think of how much could be advanced but it`s always about money and control and ego A friend said she likes my handwriting and it was one of the reasons she wants a journal because It is hard with the choices that lay ahead and its not easy it breaks my heart because I think of how others may feel. I just dunno A friend from the city sent down a gift box for me with another friend I called and thanked her and in it were two journals waiting to be written in. I will perhaps write more personalized in them The things I lost along the way in all the travels I found this funny song Sigh I guess a tv dinner will have to suffice yikes