the days

Saturday, June 3, 2023 2:29:50 AM The sky is so eerie tonight the moon is a dark red with black smoky clouds passing by. The smoke slowly drifting lower into the valley and now the moon is covered so not good. The health units sometimes piss me off screaming about drugs and people who smoke but quiet on the companies that spew tons of toxins in our water air and soil go figure This is my last weekend on this plane of existence and it seems all so surreal Sometimes I wonder about a lot Like third world countries not wanting the girls educated to better their chances. Or why the drug cartel in Mexico would shoot their own instead of investing in education and programs and lifting others out of poverty ah the blood money will tarnish their souls. You can be corrupt but still do good things I have seen what lies ahead. I always search for others like me but I never found any In this vast global space there has to be others Sunday, May 28, 2023 7:27:47 PM Maybe eventually I will I think of the few who have been my security blanket in the past that I could turn too. I know how it made me feel when that was gone I go back and forth in my thoughts about my choice. Freedom means everything without independence sigh what is life Life goes on, you keep rebuilding, and you tuck away the sadness and savor the moments of happiness Funny sitting here overlooking the lake I think I have loved and never really thought about what others thought or felt about me. I just loved them and yeah no expectations I just gave it time and space I don`t want regrets in my life so In the time that has passed I never had a bf or or or I think in some ways it was the men offline and in online interactions that made me think twice. Not wanting that entanglement because if you don’t go into a relationship happy it will just fall apart over time anyway. I do a lot advocacy and maybe the men would forget I am female and I would never say how the way they talked about women it would sting Telling someone, you love him or her but actions differ I should be working I should be finishing other things that I have piling up Soon I will not be here so it won`t matter I question my motives for making this choice weighing out all the options. I offered to find a replacement for the roommates but they don`t want to discuss it and the one said he doesn`t want anyone else living in my space. But I won`t be here sigh Maybe I will just not wake up my heart will just stop ah I am a mess atm Friday, May 26, 2023 3:29:50 PM It has been so crazy busy trying to complete all the necessary things yia I never realized so many things blinded by my own bias I suppose Everyday is a learning day and I will never keep up to it all I tell the one visitor what was shared with me If something shared, makes you angry or defensive take time too stop and think about it. And look up at the night sky and realize just how small we really are in this vast universe. Stay humble because we can`t know it all and being human we make mistakes or errors. The doctor today was comfortable enough to say this recent test result was overlooked we are human I agree and we have this trust the security in knowing it`s ok. So where do we go from here I am starting to feel a little pressure in trying to get everything in place to alleviate and make the transition easier having lost people to suicide and terminal illnesses I know what it`s like. So I am struggling the internal conflict of am I making the right decision So much I just hope that it has helped others just as it has helped me and shrug that`s just the way it is Thursday, May 25, 2023 12:18:31 PM Perhaps I am a romantic hopeless dreamer Today I feel it all Never wanting to hurt anyone unless they are horrible politicians or nefarious. But I have seen even the nefarious do good things Quantum Entanglement Collective Consciousness Once I connect with people, it never ends in life or online Ah love a vulnerability or a gift or a little of both Maybe I have just grown tired of living it is a little quieter right now giving me time to think Oh oh I just saw a cop drive by in one of those funky vehicles odd to see in this area sigh the triggers from the past surface briefly They never intimidated me they always pissed me off because but at the same time, I know they would kill without remorse or justification Intuition/instinct and the right people at the right time kept me alive and humbled by the realization of this reality I distanced myself from many people only because I didn’t want to do anything that could not be forgotten or cause hurt. Healing takes time and I needed to heal. The Universe/God/Creator has taught me time, water and wind smoothes away the raw rough edges Tuesday, May 23, 2023 1:42:16 AM It has been so hectic as people come and go and I pass along info Funny I always kept quiet people can’t repeat what they don’t know Even with adversaries it was taken care of quietly and discreetly So many different areas and now my message is create kinder softer spaces and do no harm. Being assertive is different from being aggressive Aggressively assertive makes me smile We all do what we need too do in order to survive and I know what some people thought of me and even though it was not true people will believe what they do and you can’t change that. So it is what it is .. and sitting outside today in the sun enjoying the view I shared more and bring others together Most people are planning their lives and futures and I am planning my death well the end of this life. I have people calling me asking about what I want for the memorial yia I say I don’t care I won’t be here duh Dark morbid humor I suppose but humor nevertheless I am giving things away and asking others what they want and signed the papers for the book and for the healthcare project the one teacher is working on. And told her she can have the book mothers and neoliberalism that I helped with.. I networked with so many different fractions over time from mafia to bikers to ex-military to government officials no barriers really I just drifted but always working for change my words writing is messed up tonight the thoughts and memories flow faster than I can capture so Today was good because she was typing as I spoke to capture it better than I can. Affinity/love for the people I met and worked with I came across this one website about the healthcare sector and the way new wars could be fought and it`s just becoming mainstream knowledge now To me it is old news because I tried warning people about it a long time ago sigh anyway The drug crisis was created and it was a meeting I walked out of because I the ability to extrapolate anyway it is late and my mind is so active with the list to do and governmental departments to target for change before I expire. There is such a bias against Once when a politician told me he wasn’t worried about his drinking water because he was on well water and being all-smug because the poverty class lived in dismal conditions and lacked potable water. I looked at him and said what if your well water became contaminated and I would do it and I called the ministry to tell them what I was going to do next .. so they acted The sites that were contaminated were cleaned up so and there was no precise environmental law so they wouldn’t be able to charge me with anything “intent” When one is limited in power and funds, you created allies with those who can effect change We all do the best we can with the tools we have to effect change I want to belief that people were fair and would do the right thing and I wanted to trust but life experience always showed me this was not reality The poverty class never document their history but I did and some of those files are buried somewhere ah jack but I kept the key ones with me through all the moves and over time transferred it from drives to data sticks So many obstacles the last several months and the tail end of covid really set things back for me. so I really don’t know what others will do I just hope they will continue because we need kinder spaces for people Ah assimilation is always a factor I don`t want to make anyone sad I am not the same person I used to be I still wonder about my recent choice and if it is the right one and I have that anxiety that creeps in from time to time Anyway I am where I am supposed to be or things would not be where they are so this will suffice and yeah. Sunday, May 21, 2023 5:25:44 PM I don`t have a lot of time so many things I have promised to do and I don`t make promises lightly only if I can do them. I seldom say I promise unless I know I can Anyway, because all too often people struggling especially from the poverty class grow up hearing I promise only to have them broken repeatedly. Sometimes the people needing help are often lacking the tools and understanding which is why I always believe in each one teach one Cliché perhaps but so true Sometimes people are emotionally overwhelmed, lack the knowledge, or have intellectual disabilities so many variables and so often no one want to be involved because of the time it can consume. I hear this excuse so often from advocates and the legal system and they all want good outcomes cases they can win ah sigh. I would take them on because I know what it feels like and friendships sometimes formed and they went on to become some amazing activist/advocates. And we supported each other along the way That to me is love unconditional straight up love in motion You walk someone through the process and teach them and find the area of their strengths and foster that. When I first moved in here I was so sick and I was told six months I was in denial in spite of how sick I was and a short stay in the hospital delayed my moving in to this place. I was so out of my comfort zone in the beginning and it was difficult. And day by day I eventually recovered and the following year I planted a garden so cool. I think of the changes that have occurred over time and the insights from the recent visit with the palliative care social worker. Do you know what my favorite color is or the music I like or how many times I would stay awake just so I could watch the sunrise or anything about me? We all make choices and life goes on without us and that’s just the way it is and if we feel excluded we made those choices my life has always just flowed along as did everyone else. I feel sad for them because I made time for the ones who wanted to be a part of that and now it`s too late because and I no longer want or desire to entertain the negativity in my life. I am tired and there has been too much of it and yeah And each relationship is so different the ones we have with friends our families, co-workers and acquaintances from online to real time running parallel but rarely intersecting life is funny the complexity of it all No one wants to die not really but sometimes there are some things we have no control over. Tonight was so sad the people living out back have kids and thy just got a puppy. The kids were too close to the road and a truck speeding down the road hitting the puppy and killed it. I heard the kids scream I thought maybe a bee stung one of them, I went outside to check it out, and the mom and others came out. Everyone was crying so upset I went over to hug the little boy and turn him away from the sight and the mom came over and I saw the look in her eyes and hugged them both. Ah grief and shock The father came over and picked up the puppy we asked if he wanted help but he is Polish and that stoicism is so prevalent in this community. A sad ending to the day tonight Sunday, May 21, 2023 4:05:38 AM Before I sleep – Tonight is so pretty outside with the soft misty rain a perfect night for walking nostalgia There is no future for me Relationship - I lay in bed at night thinking I wonder at times not often but sometimes what it would be like to have a partner but not wanting someone because I feel it is unfair. Saturday, May 20, 2023 4:51:28 PM The days are going by so fast for me too fast He doesn’t know this but he has always been my security blanket figuratively speaking. I don`t know why maybe because it was the connection during that chaotic time in life. A goodbye would have closed this off forever but by ghosting, it leaves the door of possibilities open. He once told me his house is always open but I see only the walls now sigh sad I know others resented him and I will never know what transpired behind scenes or what he even thought of and now none of this matters either. Seems like such a long time ago another lifetime Why do we do the things we do sometimes without thinking The locals that I have interacted with since being here say I have changed things. The social worker says I am leaving behind a legacy and truth is I don`t even know what this means. I googled legacy Our personal story speaks to our achievements and the impact we've had on others during our lives. Otherwise known as our personal legacy, it's the way we'll be remembered after we die. My mind has healed but the body ah refuses and I am working on it just time is always an issue A memory surfaces today as the rain falls softly more of a mist and my heart aches constricting my chest - it`s Saturday - a day we would create music online and clean the house and mom would call me to say dad has wandered off again and would I drive around to find him and bring him home. I always kept in mind to be patient with him rather than annoyed one because I could go and pick him up and because someday I may find myself in a similar situation people are not with us forever I never collected items or objects or felt a desire for money I collected people. Weird as I reflect on this now. Mom was patient with me and always set extra plates for dinner for family gatherings because she knew. She said this to me one day about collecting people who had no family but became a part of ours that acceptance. I think in part it was because of how I felt and I understood Thursday, May 18, 2023 1:43:00 AM Maybe Ah none of it matters much anymore to me not like it once did I have a pile of paperwork sitting on the couch and one of the locals was over yesterday to help. There is just so much and I don’t say or show any emotion regarding it but I feel I told her how I respond to nefarious negativity I send it all back sweep it all away and while it does not really do much it makes me feel better. I tell her to create kinder softer spaces and do no harm She really likes this life has not been kind to her Bits and pieces I cherry picked along the way from others Maybe people are afraid of me or of what I will do I think we all have that side well some more than others that innate instinctive drive This was a hard community for me in the beginning not knowing the culture or people. Over time it slowly changed Anyway Trust and creating safer kinder softer spaces and it has taken me a long time to learn still learning Some of the people I have grown fond of have not had happy childhoods and life has been difficult. I don`t think any of us have had perfect lives just some have experienced trauma and things that as children left them scarred I have seen some of the work conditions for men in the community and it makes me cringe Early this morning before going to sleep I said prayers like I always do before sleeping and for the first time I wondered why because it never saved anyone or kept them from harm. It made me feel better. I suppose its a habit stemming from childhood. So many questions now I don`t know why Wednesday, May 17, 2023 4:12:29 AM I am still awake ugh I don`t know why overthinking maybe I created this song after a family member passed away seems like it`s been another lifetime https://soundcloud.com/nikki-evans-socool/air I had this weird horrible dream the day before when I fell asleep. People were living underground so weird I took enough tonight to sleep for a week but it`s not working sigh Monday, May 15, 2023 1:16:40 AM Here it is once again late or early I guess it depends 1 am and I am still awake. My sleep cycle is messed up this used to be the norm but hasn`t been this way in a long time. Since I got sick I miss creating music so much I don’t care what others might have thought I was just happy off in my own little world creating what I liked. Whatever resonated with me The things I just stopped doing because life’s distractions I was a powerhouse of endless energy before and now sigh I know that some question my choice and I do sometimes too because I used to joke around sometimes my humor could be viewed as somewhat morbid but and I like to make people laugh because the world can be so harsh at times. One of the things people would ask that couldn`t afford to pay would be what can I do for you and I would say show up at my funeral ah yikes and yeah It`s a different kind of sadness/grief when someone is 80 or 90 and dies than when someone is younger. Because some older has had the time but when you are younger you haven’t had that opportunity so it is different and it`s unexpected. I think it forces us however to realize we are not immortal The difference between an accidental or unforeseen death is so abrupt and there is no time for anything with an illness at least it gives us some time There are days when it seems surreal or I forget or I think maybe it`s not that bad than the reality smacks me over the head sigh Anyway I was going to write more but Saturday, May 13, 2023 6:18:37 PM At times like this I am happy for who I am Funny ironic is some ways when I look back and it`s weird that we can only move forward in life. Linear Always second guessing the angst of growing I tell the difficult politicians or workers I lobbied I am a product of your creation. I don`t want people to feel sad for me because I have choices It has been an interesting week really and we may think we have no impact on anyone but we do. Those same people affected my life, made it better, and for a moment made me forget Adversary I hope would bring people together not further divide us. Today is such a perfect day the sky is so blue with the odd cloud drifting by and the sun so warm. It is what I would say a perfect picnic day for a bbq and potato salad and casual conversation and that deep belly laughter ah the things I hold close. Driving away the ugly I share this thought with the one roommate as I sat outside on the wooden bench-waving goodbye to the guests. Learned helplessness maybe with the current case I am working on this is what it is Friday, May 12, 2023 Time is going by faster than I thought The roommate came up this afternoon and sat in the computer chair I tease him and say you are sitting in the captain’s chair how does it feel. I am sitting cross-legged on the couch We grin and make small talk He is going into the village and asks if I need anything I feel bad and I want to tell him his gf is getting the wrong advice from a mutual friend. Some of her choices are based on his actions but also on the poor advice from an unhappy person. I don`t know what to say or how to approach the issue. Thursday, May 11, 2023 11:24:01 PM Ah, sigh I see a vulnerability maybe sense is a better word I worked with many males when I was doing casework in the city Today with all the insanity of the mindset I would be accused of micro aggression or be on a list of cancel culture or who knows. Because and in some ways it has made me examine my own actions and question them. I have exposed and targeted my adversaries so am I really any different. I dunno I think of this tonight as I sit here and reflect and the time counts down. I ponder my choice choosing to end my life rather than wait for the disease I dunno I question this too. The nurse was here today and she asked me what I believed in and she tried not to show emotion but she asked if she could come and visit apart from work. We have a solid friendship and it was a good conversation. She said I am not here to change your mind I just wonder what your thoughts are and if you believe in anything. It was a candid conversation. She said you have lived a good life filled with adventures and laughter and yeah. I am sad about the things I will never get to do so many plans and I wanted to travel and complete education and but life took me in so many different directions. She shared a photo with me of a robins nest with eggs. She said it reminded her of the crows and me. I am feeling some anxiety as the time gets closer I guess this is normal. The nurse said if I wanted to talk to feel free to call but most likely knowing me I won`t I don`t know why I don`t reach more when I need to I check up on others and reach out to them but I find it so difficult to do the same for myself. I cannot recall a time in my life that I sought out help ah the angst I sometimes wonder how others did it being confined to a wheelchair or some machine because for me quality of life is everything The nurse was telling me she has this client who has been bedbound for 37 years and his wife is the primary caregiver and that`s not life. The complexity of our bodies I think back to that day under the tree it was a perfect summer day and it was such a spiritual experience abounds with tranquility and I have shared this story and perhaps I will with the nurse. I still refrain from using names that programming so deeply embedded so to protect the identity of others and I find it so difficult at times to write in a cohesive manner. But when the offices were raided and online systems breeched I just kept it all filed in my mind It was such a nice day I had little sleep The air quality is not good because of the fires and air pollution from industry a haze hung low over the skyline I have that song on repeat stuck in my mind from such a long time ago. It is such a brutal system I wonder how it got to be this way I wonder if it`s an element of selfishness in not reaching out or saying anything. I have a few close friends but even with them I am somewhat reserved I guess it`s just about accepting myself for who I am and not overthinking it all. No one is perfect and yet we always look for perfection One of things I have learned is that things don`t matter even money all of it seems so distant. Sharing opens the door to so much more I see it here in the natural world ah nature I wonder how much more we could have evolved When I was traveling in the states I had this wealthy friend and he was constantly fighting with his poverty stricken neighbors who kept a yard full of car wrecks. I spent a summer at his place. He was complaining about them one day and I said to him why don`t you help them. Anyway I was a neutral party so I suggested over time that perhaps they could strip down the cars and use the parts sell them. than scrap the cars and my friend offered to help them. There was three generations of them living in rather squalor conditions the culture of poverty is hard to break free from. In time it changed and things became better so it was a learning curve for me as well. To grow from those experiences seeking solutions instead of focusing on the problems Anyway the stories of the people live on in my memories creating kinder softer spaces Wednesday, May 10, 2023 4:59:27 PM I slept for a long time most of the day because I did not sleep until almost 4am. The nurse was here twice and I missed the morning visit so she came back later to check. I was just waking up We chatted briefly but I have no energy I have such strange dreams sometimes and it is after having them that I go looking for answers. An over active mind, a confirmation bias, a collective awareness I will never know. I just know the insights gleaned from sleep I saw the conversations from people both online and offline. Sometimes I see so much more than I want to know but I know There is no time in that sleeping state not like when one is awake it is just so fluid and flows from past to present to future seamlessly travelling I think it all these weird events that has removed fear I never allowed the system or oppressors make me cry instinct kicked in I remember all the times when doing advocacy and people would call or ask me to attend and would cry or be afraid and that protective mode would kick in. Wendy was older and such a strong person I looked up to her so much. The ywca made her cry and she called me that day and I went down to ream them all out furious at what they were doing to the poverty class Anyway just one more war with corrupt institutions and bad people I don`t forget or forgive I come to realize only recently that if one does not seek forgiveness or attempts to make amends they are not deserving of forgiveness. An enemy always I have made mistakes or caused hurt and when I realized those mistakes or an error that caused harm, I made amends because it was not my intent. There is a difference another learning curve I don`t really know how it all started I listen to people, look for solutions, and I believe in fairness. Fairness in some ways I suppose this is a weakness a bias because it is how I want to see the world and this is not how it operates There is a cool breeze blowing in through the open door, it carries a hint of rain so normal, and it kills me more than I can ever express because Everything looks so green today and the sky is hazy maybe from fires, pollution or a combination of all factors. Wispy clouds drift across the sky There will always be problems to solve and work to do Tuesday, May 9, 2023 11:30:51 PM This Mortal Coil - Song To The Siren I heard this song tonight and it reminds me I forgot about this song until now she has such an incredible voice The days are going by so fast and this is my last full month I am still struggling with my choice and I don`t say anything to anyone I think of how angry jack was with me once because I used to listen to a lot of people when they talked about exs and relationships ending and the hurt and anger. I still think that as long as that person is still alive love never ends not if it was really love and at least that person is still alive and just be happy for that. Because it could have ended in death and that is forever A village local came by this afternoon to visit, we had a good conversation, and she said maybe I am depressed but I am not. Sad sometimes because of life’s circumstances. She suggested I keep advocating for my health issues but I told her I am tired of fighting for what should just be provided. Political issues are still a big factor in all of this and at one time, I was going to leave this country ah. I sometimes wonder about her because she seems to know a lot about my past and the history. She has not said anything directly but just a feeling I pick up sometimes. All the files and documents I still have from those troubled days. I don`t know what to do with it all and now it seems redundant It was a fall evening and the rain was misty that night and I watched as a leaf drifted down as this song played in the background. I went outside and stood on the back deck and I wrote that poem I wrote a lot at one time. Now I just write random thoughts We created a community but it is long gone I am a dreamer I suppose It was night, dad and I were in the garden picking peas it was getting late, and he said close your hand. He said now open it and what do you see I said nothing it is empty and he said that’s what dreams are He asked me what was in my other hand I a said a pea This song has dredged up many memories 6:41:02 PM Monday, May 8, 2023 I am getting tired and my body aches I am so sick of being this way I have moment’s brief ones where there is a sense of normalcy but not enough to do all that I have planned. I think of things like planting a garden going for long walks finishing a project or a case I started and checking in on people to follow up. I know I am not the smartest or savvy in many ways but I have heart and that has to account for something I go for tests tomorrow early in the morning and I have put off finding a ride because and the doctors words about what I hope to accomplish when he was the one who ordered them. a feeble attempt to appease There is so much that goes on and I find it hard to set aside emotions and articulate Maybe there is simply no one who can help and that`s just the way it Monday, May 8, 2023 3:36:58 PM I Slept okay I guess and finally rolled out of bed at 11 Spoke briefly to the one roommate and went to work on things I had surprise visitors yesterday and it was a good visit leaving positivity with my encounters and called to check in. Gail and Larry P surface in my thoughts today I have not thought about them in a long time. I often wonder how the lawsuit went and maybe at some point I will look. So many things on my mind How do you measure success its quality of life and health has always been at the top of the list. Perhaps this stems from my childhood and spending more time in sick kid’s hospital than at home. As time goes on, I am so thankful for my childhood and my parents. Deceased now Listening to old music mixes back in the day of clubcreate and wondering what we stumbled upon. I remember the day I came back from shopping and the girls had been cleaning up and creating music on the site. They both looked at each other and I knew something was up. I went outside to take out garbage and seen the broken broom on the side lawn. I asked the girls and they told me they were dancing around with the broom and broke it panicked because they didn’t want to get into trouble so to hide it they threw it outside. Oh, boy we laughed about it I wonder today about the people we encountered online what the intentions were and if it was carding or curious or what Some insights manifested I think back to that dream I had I went for a walk and cat followed me the night of the murder unknown of course at the time and cat went crazy that night not wanting me to walk any further. So I stood there on the sidewalk for several minutes looking at the houses across the river before going home. I had this dream and saw it in detail The next day I was walking over to visit mom and dad and as I rounded, the corner there was a group of 5 teens spread out on the sidewalk we both stopped for a moment to avoid colliding. I made eye contact with the tall male wearing a hoodie we locked eyes, I saw, and he knew that I knew. He took the blame for it I even knew the road where the car was. Mom wanted me to tell the police but I refused because Sometimes I see things as they are unfolding sometimes the past sometimes the future events. I often wonder what this is and the why of it There has only been one or two times that I was able to forewarn and effect change. I mostly think it is for me and a way of preparing me emotionally I always look for practical logical explanations for things cause and effect but this is different it just is I was hoping before I no longer exist to access the information my parents gave regarding the ufo sightings but my time is running out I sometimes wonder even back as a young child if it was not some kind of government experiment. Knowing what I know now It was why I was not afraid of the sound experience and how it made us feel I saw it before experiencing it. I even told my roommates at that time right down to the pictures used on the music site so funny that odd connection. Everyone was so fearful but I was curious and I liked the euphoric feeling it produced. Though I am sure, that was not the purpose it was created for or the desired effect perpetrated by the male counterparts. I did not see anything wrong with it Today is a funny kind of day and the sky and sun is an odd color So I have a plan for this weekend and need to find the time to create it sometimes the concept I have in my mind does not always turn out as I envision it. On Friday, the nurse came to visit and it was a good visit She sank into the computer chair gave a half spin to face me and said I am home. I laughed we have developed a friendship and she shared with me the things she liked about me. I was so hearted by her words and than she said we don’t want to lose you because of the lack of proactive medical care. Keep pushing I sometimes become discouraged life shouldn’t always be about strife and opposition. Sunday, May 7, 2023 11:49:44 PM So much has taken place since I wrote last and so much to do. Sigh anyway maybe I will catch up at some point My word choice below was what I was thinking as I tried to understand the mindset of some. I think it was triggered anyway Uneducated unenlightened intellectually delayed insecure unhappy denizens Thursday, May 4, 2023 2:14:49 PM Ah free floating anxiety today I slept ok woke up went back to sleep feeling better than yesterday but the anxiety is annoying. I think it is not so much the mind effect because the logical aspect of my mind can handle this makes it challenging the physiological factors that I cannot control. The copious amounts of hormones releasing adrenaline etc sometimes I think it starts in the second brain a mind body war. Anyway and some of it is due to my decisions I just think I really got a rather shitty deal when it comes to genetics As I was writing this, the light switched off that was weird and there is no one here. I dunno some stranger things have happened Wednesday, May 3, 2023 1:25:35 PM Today reminds me of a day from the past a long time ago almost seems like a different era now. It is damp and rainy outside and I can almost smell the sea a light misty rain falls. I stood on the deck overlooking the water and I am doing the same today. My eyes are barely open today as I rolled out of bed and someone called the paramedic to do a wellness check. He was funny we laughed and joked and he asked me where I was from I said t-dot. Toronto I told him I fell in love with the natural beauty here it`s not home but it will suffice. He turned to look out the patio doors, paused, and said the view here is incredible. We both remained silent for a moment taking in the breathtaking magic as the mist shrouded the mountains I thanked him for coming and for the support of the community so often we don`t express this enough to people how appreciative we are for the services provided. I tell him what my dreams were and now ah he said well maybe we can get you fixed up and back on track and I smile sigh. He did the tests and realized there is no fixing some things. Sometimes that`s ok it`s the way life is I think of the day a native friend and I were driving a friend back home from a visit. There were few road signs telling us what township we were in and a few miles later I felt this feeling of coming home. I said to my friend I know where we are I feel it and she said the land remembers you. I carry this with me and I am so happy she understood. A few miles and the road sign stating the township appeared. So I believe her words because Today I am a little saddened because I miss home I have no home to return too that sense of belonging a connection a grounding Anyway life is what it is and a sense of vulnerability I suppose from being sick and wanting comfort/solace and knowing the reality of it I watch the interaction between the crackle and the crow neither care that I sit close as they are too busy fighting to assert dominance. The crackle is the aggressor bird for being so much smaller than the crow, I am surprised. The crow is usually patient with him but sometimes he attempts to grab him with his beak. It was on a day like this and he called us to say he had no place to go and he was cold and wet and only 14. I told him to come to our place and that I didn`t have the car to pick him up. He was so quiet I told him to take a hot shower and found some clothes for him. That house we all shared was never empty and the city hated us for it. that’s a fact I cannot believe how someone can just turn out people no resources no supports. That boy was so shy vulnerable and because he was male no supports. He stayed with us for awhile not sure where he went next but I usually find a way of tracking to make sure they are ok. There was twice when I lost two one was jack and the other jess. Moreover, it still haunts me anyway, it is what it is. There will be some things I will never know I think back to the sequence of events and A balance of sorts I suppose Tuesday, May 2, 2023 10:55:52 PM Restless night and today has been rough The nurse was here, lots of visitors today and trying to return phone calls but than I just took some quiet time. Sometimes the medication makes me feel so sick like tonight-other times the effects are minimal. Sometimes it is better if I don’t eat anything A small window this afternoon where all seemed so normal as we conversed but it didn`t last long. Earlier today, before the nurse came I sat outside in the sun a memory of the scent of watermelon and strawberries and freshly cut grass and a hint of wood smoke mingled with the cool breeze and for a moment, I forgot everything. They are so kind and caring supportive and I am so happy I made the right choice in staying here in this tiny little village. Funny the choices The beauty here I think of Arab spring protest odd that it surfaces in my thoughts I can hear the spring peepers and loons Tuesday, May 2, 2023 1:53:35 AM Still not sleeping Anger surfaces I just need to breathe but today was a trigger and things have been so Monday, May 1, 2023 8:25:12 PM One of those days Death tourist comes to mind And I think our power grid was compromised but Years ago, I was working with a provincial group and we had no stats on smart meters power etc and Canadian government relied on the states. I see the same today Canada always relies far too much on the US and I hate it. I hate smart meters because it is another way for government and corporate elite to monitor and track people. Sitting on those boards it became clear as time went on sigh Anyway why should I care now anyway because soon none of it will matter and like the rest, I will just fade away into some obscure distant memory if at all. I remember but others My life matters to me and yeah I suppose for most of us it does. Trying to focus on things that make me happy and feel good and creating kinder softer spaces and I sometimes wonder how or the why but shrug it is what it is and Saturday, April 29, 2023 3:19:21 PM Feeling a little sick today rough night People I know are sick with some kind of infection and the one neighbor is in hospital so it is a little concerning. They too have compromised immune systems so. The one roommate is complaining of a sore throat again and he passed it around before because if he is feeling miserable than he wants everyone to be. We have talked about this in the past so it is not judgmental but a factual observation. Today is a misty rainy day a good day for sleeping if I could I am almost too tired to write what I wanted to Well The diversity of city living I sometimes miss and I am always fascinated by other cultures and their traditions. Sikh I met this group when I was doing a social justice workshop and knew so little about them until that day. Another activist introduced me so it was a real learning curve. And my second encounter was when I was in the city park during Canada day. I always remember this because of how it made me feel. Of course, the music, the drums I am enthralled It was Canada day and free activities in the park and music And this group was playing music and the next thing was these men jumped up on the stage and started dancing. The group playing the music accommodated them. Their energy attracted my attention and left me wanting to learn more. I think when we are confident and comfortable within ourselves it opens us up to new experiences at least for me it has. I think of lot of the hate and negativity we see stems from those who feel impotent and unhappy within At times like this as I reflect I feel a sense of gratitude for my parents and raising me the way I am today. They were so advanced for their time in so many ways from sexuality to religion. Growing up our house was always filled with laughter, music and endless stories and if I cannot find the same than I am content to be alone. And that`s just the way it is Today seems so long and dragged out and I did not get up until late I was so tired and stayed in bed until well after 12 It is raining again and I should make something to eat because but Last night I finished the homemade soup so If I cook end too tired to eat and so it goes as things progress Our bodies were made to move but these days mine seems to forget ah funny The one specialist called me yesterday a telephone consult and it was good she said she has never worked with a patient this closely before and I made her laugh with the jokes I cracked. I sometimes wonder if this is a defense mechanism or the ability to see the lighter side or perhaps a little of both Inherited or learned behavior the contrast between my parents I gravitated more towards my dad. He always woke up in a good mood happy and mom was don’t speak until she finished her first coffee. They worked so good together in so many ways leaving little wiggle room for us to manipulate as kids will often do. This scent today is so enticing and I am not sure of the source one of those odd unexplained mysteries and the emotions it invokes. Sometimes I can smell it in my pores and the one roommate asked me what the smell was because it smells so good. Yia I don`t know but at least I know it is real and it is so hard to describe it is sweet sensual and flowery The local Sikh community donated to our social justice work and offered up ideas and expertise So many things came from that day The support provided from the native women from Turtle Island and all the other communities that assisted over time. I filmed and recorded a lot of it but 12:33:36 AM Wednesday, April 26, 2023 I should be sleeping I have an early morning appointment but so much on my mind. The anxiety creeps in not a nice feeling I am such an introvert more so these days for multiple reasons. Sigh Wanting the comfort from the presence of someone yet wanting to be alone at the same. Sometimes I don`t even know about me I am listening to the only song I created that people liked or said they liked and it was by accident because the program messed up. Funny I miss that music community and the arts taking something and making it into something beautiful For some reason I always seemed to attract the wrong Maybe I seemed vulnerable or something or naïve or whatever but that`s seeing someone through the lens of a bias or However, grief is not depression and in time it fades away at least for me I have mixed feelings over the decision so I dunno I think of that saying he who hesitates is lost. Ah the m.i.a song is playing a memory makes me smile I was on my way back up north taking the night bus to Ottawa airport I fell asleep listening to music and was abruptly woke up when the bus almost missed the turn. The driver was not paying attention his girlfriend was standing by the driver in her pj`s not sure what was going on but it tossed us from our seats. I arrived at the airport and delayed the plane taking off without me. I didn`t know I needed photo id to board the plane. I demanded they call the head of security down and they did and I got on the plane. Thinking about this now I wonder the why it was not the first time these things would arise. So always the same no photo and I am procrastinating Security - I never had a problem getting past things when I set my mind to something. I am not sure if it was because someone felt sorry for me or didn’t want to deal with me or like a border guard once said with a face like yours you can get away with almost anything and I still remember his words. Funny the things that stays in my thoughts jumbled bits and pieces I wonder now about the strangeness of the online encounters if it was nothing more than males looking to exploit the resources and or make quick money or or I just get tired of always looking behind me Tuesday, April 25, 2023 5:47:49 PM I am so tired and achy today and still so much to do One part of me feels like crawling back into bed and the emotional side I feel like crying but I don`t. I don`t know why I find it so hard too Today was a busy day with people in and out A bittersweet longing for normalcy A world that goes on as it always does Jack used to tell me that the next revolution will be one of knowledge and I used to say could you have a revolution with just knowledge. I think I kind of understand this now It`s how one acts on that knowledge based information Elevation is so key moderation and balance Idealist perhaps Making the time count moment by moment or not Finding humor and laughter helps